If you weren't stuck in an isolation chamber this weekend, you probably heard that Britney Spears debuted a new track called "Work Bitch." The song was rumored to sample RuPaul's "Supermodel" (which, alas, it does not) and was originally supposed to premiere on the radio today. But, it being our day and age, a shitty version of the song got leaked and in response, Britney's team leaked the real version. But leaked version or official version, the song is really, really bad. A breakdown, below:

1) First and foremost it's a straightforwardly un-catchy, thumping club song. Normally Britney songs, good or bad, still make you want to dance and sing along and then get lodged so deeply in your brain that you find yourself humming the melody in spite of yourself. Not so for "Work Bitch." I forgot it the second I heard it.

2) What's up with all of this Britney speak-singing in a pseudo-British accent? Between "Scream & Shout" and "Work Bitch" (and basically anything that has to do will.i.am.) it seems like all Brit does these days is walk into a studio, put on her best Madonna '97 Golden Globes acceptance speech voice and say three lines into the mic. 

3) That is, if she's not blatantly schilling for some movie. It would be easier to forgive Britney for "Work Bitch" if her last single hadn't been the hellish, Smurfs 2-pegged single "Oh La La" replete with vaguely incestuous vibes and overly-sexual lyrics about children's cartoon characters. 

4) This really just sounds like a gay club jam that should be sung by a gay artist. Coming from Cazwell or one of the Drag Race queens -- any of whom would bring more energy and attitude than Britney does -- the song would make more sense and be livelier. The emphatic beat and the "You better werk, gurl!" are classic hallmarks of gay musicians and while Spears (and many other pop artists of the moment) co-opt gay culture, "Work Bitch" lacks a certain bubblegum quality that's distinctly hers. "Work Bitch" sounds like Britney's people making her do a gay song to get gay money. Trust me -- you have our attention (and probably our money) either way.

So please, Britney -- make some better songs. We don't want to break up with you, but we may have to. All we request is partial custody of your short-sleeved turtleneck collection.