Humble and consummate pop duchess Britney Spears got surprisingly riiiill in a refreshing new interview with BBC's Scott Mills about her new forthcoming NINTH album Glory, music industry divas, and Justin Bieber's peen.

B-Spears, who's currently in her wildly successful Las Vegas residency, recounted the first time she met Mr. Bieber (in tow with momager Pattie Mallette), after they wandered into her hotel room a few years back:

He walks into my hotel room and he was like a kid! Literally, he looked like he was 13 years old, but he was 16. And I was like 'Who is this kid in my hotel? Like what is going on?'…and I'm like 'Who are these people?' And my assistant was like 'This is Justin Bieber and his mother.' And I was like 'Oh my God! I cannot believe this.' He's very unassuming. He's a very nice, kind boy. He's obviously way older now. He was extremely kind.

She also inquired about his dick, naturally:

Wait! Did you see what happened to him the other day? Didn't he, like, expose himself? That was insane! Like, I don't understand what went on there. Was that on the news and stuff? Oh…my God! OH MY GOD!

Was that on the news and stuff?

I am 100% convinced Britney isn't allowed to watch the news, or TV.

She summed up why she's better off being the captain of her own fate, music-wise:

You wouldn't believe it, but a lot of the people in the entertainment business, if you try to work with them or set up projects, a lot of times people don't show up. A lot of people are divas in the industry. Oh my goodness! I could tell you thousands of stories, but I'm not really allowed to give out that information and what they did. You know how that goes…it's better to go it alone, my friend.

HAM.

Whoever would flake on BRITNEY FUCKING SPEARS needs to be exiled from music, forever.

Period.

Britney casually alluded to doing the Super Bowl halftime show:

…Yes, I would probably do that, mhm. Definitely not on my own. I would have to have a little support there. Another artist, of course. I don't think you would ever do the Super Bowl alone, that would be kind of scary. I don't think I would be able to do it.

When pressed about her amazing shape, Britney blithely replied that "being a mom and worrying" about your kids is the best diet.

The pop icon got super raw about the struggles of fame:

I'm actually a very private person. Sometimes I'm in denial that I'm really famous. It's too much, I think, for someone to reach that kind of magnitude to really understand it. I feel like when you're younger, it's easier. But when you're older, it's one of those things that's kind of like 'Huh? What is this? This is kind of crazy.' But there's a lot of people who are in store for it, and who can completely understand it and appreciate it for what it is. I go back and forth with it, honestly.

Britney ended the interview with the best advice she would pass onto her younger self:

"Never get married."

OMG.

Go the fuck off.

Listen below.