Boy George Presents: Postcards From the Edge of My Bed-lam

Boy George

[Welcome to Boy George's new blog series for PAPERMAG, in which he'll be writing about anything and everything from time to time. In his first installment, Boy George recounts a sleepless trip to his cousin's wedding in a very strange hotel without coffee or bottled water. It does, however, have cable with great 3 a.m. programming.]

When you travel as much as I do, the comfort of a bed or quality of the pillows are deal-breakers (I like a hard pillow myself.). That said, I couldn't tell you if my bed at the Hillscourt Conference Centre, where I'm staying while I attend my cousin Vanessa's wedding to her fiance Dave, was comfortable or not because I didn't sleep a wink last night. I've been poorly the past few days, dehydration or some minor bug, and have been sleeping for queen and country. Hence my restlessness. But, hey, I'm here for two nights and might yet rave about the splendor of the bed.

The Hillscourt isn't really a proper hotel even if it does have some rooms. Last night in the bar I tried to order a coffee and was told by the waitress, "sorry love, the machine's broken." I was waiting for a "but if you don't mind instant, I'll pop the kettle on," but not a chance. When I requested a bottled water, she looked at me as if I had grown an extra head and pointed me towards a water fountain. In retrospect this was quite thrifty, but what I wanted was a coffee.

Most of my family are also here and more will arrive tomorrow along with the grooms' mob whom we will probably meet for the first and last time. Weddings are funny old things! I just hope Vanessa is happy and that marrying Dave will make her even happier. I feel as though I should have a word with Dave and give him the wealth of my experience, but what I know about successful relationships isn't worth knowing.

My insomnia meant I was forced to watch TV, which is always random at 3 a.m. I caught an episode of Guilty, a faux courtroom scenario where a studio audience plays jury. A teenage girl had put her parents in the dock because of their shameful profession. There's no way on earth you would guess what these two middle-aged (ahem!) people did, but lord-a-mercy they were both strip-o-grams. That's right, both mum and dad took their clothes off for coins and had been at it for years. Of course, the aggrieved daughter had been kept in the best designer clothes with the spoils but she now felt her parents were too old for their line of work. I have to admit that dad was an unlikely candidate with his long rock star tresses and Mr. Magoo glasses, but mum was an attractive older woman and both of them clearly loved their jobs. The audience were scathing, calling them "unfit parents" and even suggesting that what they did was close to prostitution! I found myself screaming at the screen when they were found guilty and the daughter was allowed to take a pair of scissors to one of mums saucy nurse's outfits. A travesty of justice.

Next up was a man who was accused of loving his dog more than his wife. The poor wife had lost tons of weight in an effort to compete with the dog but no chance! This guy cuddled up to the dog in bed, fed it with a fork and even allowed it to choose what DVD to watch on nights in. He was a strange-looking thing and I was of the opinion that he had zero interest in bitches, canine or otherwise. The dog was merely an excuse, a way out of a marriage that wasn't working. A guy in the audience said cruelly, "I'd prefer the dog if my wife looked like that." Frankly, I was with the wife all the way: Dogs are cute, but this moron was claiming the dog had a human soul. There was further screaming when the idiot audience found him 'not guilty.' I was livid and quite enjoying my insomnia!

Family Court with Judge Penny was up next. A man formerly named Hugh and now going as Emily was being sued by his ex-wife over something trivial. It was clear, however, she hadn't quite gotten over her hubby being transgender. The wife was seeking revenge when she should have been seeking closure. The couple had two young sons who were brought on to discuss the lack of harmony between mummy and, er, mummy. Judge Penny (who is a goddess) asked Hugh if he would like to also be referred as "mummy" and the wife yelled, "over my dead body is anyone else going to be a mother to my kids." Judge Penny, whose motto is "family comes first," ordered the entire family into therapy and we were told that Emily had been successfully integrated back into the family. It was almost a Disney style ending and how many transsexuals get one of those? I tried to find this episode of Family Court online, but to no avail. Never mind, the most important thing about Family Court is the brilliant Judge Penny and she always has something wise and profound to say!

The wedding was a gorgeous affair. Dave clearly adores Vanessa and this truly warmed my heart. I actually welled-up during the ceremony which was a civil affair since Dave was married before. I actually preferred it to a church wedding which can seem pompous and, frankly, take far too long. One of my new relatives by default said to me, "You were brilliant when you were young" (ex-squeeze me?) while another demanded to know why I wasn't wearing my hat. I told her, "It's not my wedding, love." Why would I attempt to outshine the bride? It would have been tough, anyway, as Vanessa looked flawless in her cream beaded gown. As did her little daughter Masie who looked like a mini Paloma Faith!

Check back in the next few weeks for Boy George's posts about Lady Gaga, Prince, and what's on his recommended reading list. Follow him on twitter at @boygeorge.  

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