The 5 Best Sandwiches In America
A sandwich-loving comedian who traveled the country reports on his findings
By Michael Showalter
Photographed by Dave Lieberman
As a performing comedian, my travels have taken me all over
the country. Yep, even to Cleveland. And let me tell you, life on the
road isn't easy. It's not all trashing hotel rooms and sex parties. I
mean, there's definitely a lot of that, but there's some down time,
too. I think Jon Bon Jovi said it best when he said: "I'm a cowboy, on
a steel horse I ride. /I'm wanted -- dead or alive." This lyric refers to
the hardships of the touring life. At least I think that's what it means.
In my mind, JBJ is the cowboy and the steel horse is his bus and he's
wanted dead or alive by his fans... I think? I suppose that it's also
possible that JBJ literally thinks he's a cowboy who rides on a steel
horse, in which case I've completely misinterpreted his lyrics. Come
to think of it, I really hope that is what he thinks. But let's be honest,
the strong likelihood is that it's a metaphor because, as we all know,
JBJ is from New Jersey, and the last time I checked there weren't any
cowboys in New Jersey. And the last time I checked was yesterday!
To say nothing of the fact that I'm also from New Jersey, and if there
were cowboys in New Jersey, I really think I'd know about it.
Bon Jovi lyrics aside, life on the road is very exhausting. Every night you're in a different city on a different stage with different screaming fans (or in my case, "fan.") So, how to survive? Well, I will tell you: it's the little things that get you through. The simple pleasures, if you will. (What does "if you will" even mean -- will what?) When I'm out on the open road, nothing makes me feel more at home than a good old-fashioned sandwich. As soon as I get to a new city, the first thing I do is check into my hotel, watch Sports Center and hopefully take a nap. But the second thing I do is ask around to find The Best Sandwich In Town. The following is a list of the five best sandwiches I've had and the cities in which I've had them.
1. THE PHILLY CHEESESTEAK
I had to get this one out of the way. It's such a simple concept but the result is so dang tasty: thinly sliced beef, cheese and grilled onions stuffed inside a hoagie roll. Perfection! Rumor has it that Benjamin Franklin invented the Philly cheesesteak on the same day that he invented electricity. Rumor also has it that there's a giant serpent living in a lake in Scotland. This of course has nothing whatsoever to do with Philadelphia... or does it?
3. THE ANCHORAGE ALASKA WHALE BLUBBER BLT
Simple. Classic. Refined. The Anchorage Alaska Whale Blubber BLT -- or "Yummy Blubby" as the locals call it -- combines four amazing fla- vors into one sandwich: bacon, lettuce, tomato and whale blubber. Some people eat their "Yummy Blubby" without tomato, but to me the tomato is the key ingredient. Without the tomato it would just be an ordinary old ho-hum, run-of-the-mill garden variety bacon, lettuce and whale blubber sandwich. Jeez, why not just eat a cracker? The tomato is what gives it that zing!
5. THE MIAMI SOUND MACHINE
This is not a sandwich, just a band with the name Miami in it.
Michael Showalter's sort-of memoir Mr. Funny Pants is out Feb. 22nd (Grand Central Publishing).
Bon Jovi lyrics aside, life on the road is very exhausting. Every night you're in a different city on a different stage with different screaming fans (or in my case, "fan.") So, how to survive? Well, I will tell you: it's the little things that get you through. The simple pleasures, if you will. (What does "if you will" even mean -- will what?) When I'm out on the open road, nothing makes me feel more at home than a good old-fashioned sandwich. As soon as I get to a new city, the first thing I do is check into my hotel, watch Sports Center and hopefully take a nap. But the second thing I do is ask around to find The Best Sandwich In Town. The following is a list of the five best sandwiches I've had and the cities in which I've had them.
1. THE PHILLY CHEESESTEAK
I had to get this one out of the way. It's such a simple concept but the result is so dang tasty: thinly sliced beef, cheese and grilled onions stuffed inside a hoagie roll. Perfection! Rumor has it that Benjamin Franklin invented the Philly cheesesteak on the same day that he invented electricity. Rumor also has it that there's a giant serpent living in a lake in Scotland. This of course has nothing whatsoever to do with Philadelphia... or does it?
2. THE LOUISVILLE STEAKCHEESE
Now, the Louisville steak- cheese is much less well-known than the Philly version but it's just as good! And that's because it's identically the same sandwich, only it's called a "steakcheese" and not a "cheesesteak."
Now, the Louisville steak- cheese is much less well-known than the Philly version but it's just as good! And that's because it's identically the same sandwich, only it's called a "steakcheese" and not a "cheesesteak."
3. THE ANCHORAGE ALASKA WHALE BLUBBER BLT
Simple. Classic. Refined. The Anchorage Alaska Whale Blubber BLT -- or "Yummy Blubby" as the locals call it -- combines four amazing fla- vors into one sandwich: bacon, lettuce, tomato and whale blubber. Some people eat their "Yummy Blubby" without tomato, but to me the tomato is the key ingredient. Without the tomato it would just be an ordinary old ho-hum, run-of-the-mill garden variety bacon, lettuce and whale blubber sandwich. Jeez, why not just eat a cracker? The tomato is what gives it that zing!
4. THE SILICON VALLEY VIRTUAL SANDWICH BRAIN
IMPLANT
If you happen to find yourself in the Silicon Valley, you have to get a virtual sandwich implanted into your brain. It's a very uncomfortable procedure, and you'll have the flavor of whatever sandwich you choose stuck in your brain for two to four days, but it's absolutely worth it! The Reuben sandwich that I had programmed into my mind tasted just like a real Reuben sandwich! It was worth every penny! ($650 no fries, $652.50 with fries.)
If you happen to find yourself in the Silicon Valley, you have to get a virtual sandwich implanted into your brain. It's a very uncomfortable procedure, and you'll have the flavor of whatever sandwich you choose stuck in your brain for two to four days, but it's absolutely worth it! The Reuben sandwich that I had programmed into my mind tasted just like a real Reuben sandwich! It was worth every penny! ($650 no fries, $652.50 with fries.)
5. THE MIAMI SOUND MACHINE
This is not a sandwich, just a band with the name Miami in it.
Michael Showalter's sort-of memoir Mr. Funny Pants is out Feb. 22nd (Grand Central Publishing).
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