For Real! January 2007

Every now and again, our resident hot mama, who hails from St. Tropez, will dish out the details of her personal trials, tribulations and various identity crises. Girlfriend is on the verge of something or another all the time, for real!

As I am sitting on the edge of my cute lavender new Victorian loveseat, counting down the days till Fashion Week, I keep having fashion epiphanies: Ivana Trump '80s ski suit for the day, BlairWear's "you should get a new personality on eBay" airbrushed H&M dress for night. Just like in The Alien, when the monster mom is dropping egg after egg, I feel like the birth center for renegade style.

May I present to you my Fashion Week tips.

This season, I feel like you need to look relaxed. That's the key word in my new fashion agenda: nothing too constricting, like budget high heels and denim that's too anal (as in your crack). Better to carry one of your aunt's tapestry bags or a Florida beach tote than one of Gucci's snakeskin oversized bags.

Don't look rich! Try to go for authentic stuff you love for real, and not because Glenda Bailey put them on her "Must Have" list. Reflect, take the time to know who you are and pilfer your own closet! (Or come to my boutique, Fille De Joie, 197 Grand St., Williamsburg, Brooklyn.)

For a Heatherette late night fashion show, I would recommend being very generic; who can compete with those gay flirts? Unless you're Liberace, I'd advise sporting something very "nouveau athletic": chic, vintage sportswear and colorful patterned nautical jackets paired with denim shorts and wool stockings.

Be weather sensitive! Wear what's appropriate -- except no more Ugg boots or patterned rain boots! Of course, this does not apply to people like Anna Wintour. Some exceptional beings have handlers who shield them from even their own kids so they can go along looking "unaffected." Better to appear like you're one of us -- greasy hair and dark roots are definitely making a comeback -- and that you have to struggle and be creative to shine.

Look alive! Colors and patterns are so dear to me right now. Come off chic and efficient with a silk Liz Claiborne, shoulder-padded blazer with a mini skirt! Lose the complacent attitude and drop undropable names like Carlisle and Ciao LTD.

Also, do not forget that looks are only one-third of the whole package. A lack of knowledge paired with a pompous attitude is not stylish. Don't be like the editor I once encountered who said, "We don't write about small brands," not knowing who Eliza Jimenez was! And I think mean people should not get front row seats at fashion shows.

Fashion has little to do with titles and social status; this season I'm pushing the look of "elaborating on oneself." Take something you care for and make it into your outfit. As an example, I love my lil' dog Coco and wish I could have a petit Day-Glo snug wool coat like she does! So, I match her style with a Day-Glo pink and turquoise puffy '80s windbreaker; we look like Catherine Deneuve and Francoise Dorleac in The Umbrellas Of Cherbourg when walking in the park.

Take little things and blow them out of proportion! I recommend a credit card with a picture of your car on it. If you don't have a car or a credit card, but a great boyfriend, why not put a picture of him in an oversized locket and let it rest on your cleavage? Personal style is key!

Also, please forget about the black wardrobe for one second. Unless you wear it like it's bright yellow because of your overpowering personality, black has turned totally drab lately. To me it's just a cellulite cover. Switch to morning push-ups in your kitchen, and you'll be able to wear cooking towels as turbans and Richard Simmons short-shorts with lacy leggings on your way to work.

As a New Yorker for 23 years now, I've been exposed to so many schools of style, that I feel like a veteran who's done the Second World, the Vietnam, the Gulf and the Iraqi Wars. In the end, it's all about survival, and if you don't (survive), better die wearing a pair of rhinestone Miu Mius or an adorable porkpie hat with a petite violette! You will be missed.