Dear Mr. Mickey,
I'm a hardcore fashion girl -- Balenciaga
dresses, Roger Vivier shoes, Fendi bags -- and that's my casual look!
Anyhoo, I've started dating a wild downtown artist who is all the rage
on the Lower East Side. Do I need to trade in my Narciso for some
Alexander Wang, or can I keep my labeled-out look and still fit in with
the dirty hipsters?
-- High-End Honey
Dear HEH,
As Billy Joel sang, "Don't Go Changin'"!!! First
of all, the economy needs shopaholics like you. Secondly, you should
always follow your fashion heart, no matter with whom you are
fornicating. After all, this is New York City. The magic is in the mix
of uptown glamour-pusses with downtown dirtbags -- and the junkies, models
and movie stars thrown in for a little color and spice. Also, it never
hurts to have a stylish girl on the premises. It helps with press
coverage and makes fancy art collectors feel more at home. Obviously,
this artist is attracted to you for who you are (or for how big your
hoo-hahs are), and MM is sure he'll love you for being yourself and
following your own inspiration. He is, after all, an artist -- and that's
what they do!
Dear Mr. Mickey,
On a recent trip to Perkins Pancake
House, I fell in love with my hunky server. He charmed me with his
smile, his firm, round caboose and his promises of weekends in bed,
cuddling while watching marathons of Snapped on the Oxygen network.
Well, you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw police
leading him from the courtroom to prison! Was it all a lie? Should I
visit him in the Big House, or should I pretend it all never
happened?
-- Jilted by the Jailhouse
Dear J by the J,
Mr. Mickey absolutely feels your pain! MM
is no stranger to the joys of loving a man in the service industry!
Maybe we're just too empathetic and want to give back to those who've
given us so much (and who've got firm, muscular legs and bulging
pectorals!). Whatever the case, it's probably not a good idea for you to
follow your would-be paramour to where he is currently incarcerated. Of
course, our men behind bars need our love and support -- not to mention
conjugal visits -- but since your love affair really never made it past the
salad bar, we really don't know if your server was buttering you up with
one hand while planning to steal your checkbook, credit card and
identity with the other. Mr. Mickey thinks you need to find a nice,
regular dependable guy who doesn't have any outstanding warrants or
parole violations. It's true that there's something exciting about a man
with a rap sheet and homemade prison tattoos, but in the long run you'll
be much happier -- and your property will be much safer -- if you steer clear
of cuties who've been convicted.
Dear Mr. Mickey,
I'm a muscle-bound porn star known for
my mouth-wateringly muscle-bound backdoor. My neighbors in West
Hollywood have gotten together and signed a petition to prevent me from
walking my two teacup Yorkies, Chanel and Schiapiarelli, in front of the
building when I'm wearing my usual hot pants, cut-off tank top and
Converse high-tops. I think this attack is unconstitutional! What can I
do to make peace with my neighbors without sacrificing the look that
made me famous?
-- All Deliveries in the Rear
Dear Deliveries,
You're certainly not the first person who's been
ostracized by society for choosing to showcase a sexually provocative
look. MM is surprised, however, to see that you're from West Hollywood,
which is known for having the highest density of gay sluts west of the
Mississippi! Perhaps they're just jealous of your adult-film star status
or your dogs' chic monikers! Honestly, MM has never been able to
understand why anyone would feel compelled to criticize or poke fun at
someone else's fashion look. If you don't like it, turn the other way.
Still, we live in a judgmental society and shouldn't be surprised when
people give us a hard time for being "out there." MM suggests you reach
out to your neighbors and show them that, despite the fact that you
dress like a whore, you're a good neighbor -- willing to help others and do
what it takes to keep the neighborhood happy and homey. Volunteer for
the Beautification Committee, offer to read aloud to elderly residents
or give sexual favors to closeted husbands. Bend over backwards (or
forwards) to make everyone see that underneath those hot pants you're
just a nice person and a good neighbor. Hopefully, they will come to
realize that you can't judge a book by its cover.
Above: Mr. Mickey with Drew Elliott at Screaming Mimi's during Fashion's Night Out.
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