5 Thoughts on Episode 5 of Lindsay Lohan's OWN Reality Show

by Elizabeth Thompson

1) Lindsay is having some furniture delivered and in order to make room, she tries to sell a bunch of clothes at a couture consignment shop downstairs from her apartment. The store doesn't take many of Lohan's clothes, and, unfortunately, in the meantime, she and Dina find a million things they want to buy, including tasseled suede boots and an Alaia coat. Realizing she's spent more than she'll get in trade, and forgetting that she is broke as shit and had to have Oprah's production company foot the bill for the SoHo apartment she just moved into, Lohan goes back upstairs to pull some Chanel pieces and bags. "Now we're talking about the good stuff," says the sales lady, confirming that Lohan, in fact, does still own some of the good stuff. The store ends up buying $4000 worth of clothes and Lindsay and Dina buy $4500. Later, Dina wanly tells Lindsay she could have maybe used that $4000 instead of trading, to which her daughter says nothing. Spectacular choices all around.

2)  We get a real window into the crazy celebrity brain when a bunch of movers dump off boxes and boxes and boxes of stuff at Lohan's apartment. All hell breaks loose. It's more than Lindsay can handle! Why are there even boxes in her apartment on a move-in day? Why is this happening to her? Why is everything so hard? She refuses to come out of her bedroom and filming must stop for reasons unknown. Later, the cameras are allowed back in and we see Lindsay wearing a jump suit, half-heartedly looking through plastic bins of her shit. Since none of Lohan's furniture can be moved into the apartment until her boxes of clothes and stuff are unpacked and put away, Lohan's assistant simply orders that they just put all the boxes  back on the truck. All. of. the. boxes. The highlight of this episode were the moving dudes, who were having absolutely none of the fuckery and making withering remarks to the camera like "The reloading process never happens. This is the second time in 25 years this has happened." Then, after everything is moved back on to the truck, Lohan's assistant asks if a box of bedding Lohan will need that night could be retrieved from the truck, which is packed to the gills. The assistant, with a straight face, asks if the movers could unpack the truck once again to find the box of bedding. Because although it is possible for broke-as-a-joke Lindsay Lohan to buy $4500 worth of clothes from a second-hand store, springing for a package of sheets from the nearest Bed, Bath and Beyond is impossible. The moving guys basically tell Lohan's assitant to F the F right off and he retreats, sans sheets. But what about the bedding? What will Lindsay do? We never hear about the bedding again for the rest of the show. What did she do that night for sheets? This is a huge loose end that I hope to see tied up on next week's episode. 

3) Male model Liam Dean, who Lohan may or may not have been dating during the show's taping, is hanging around the apartment during move-in day. We see him sitting on his ass outside on her deck. "My friend Liam was a big help that day," Lohan later assures the camera. 

4) Lindsay's life coach AJ Johnson has the nerve to ask her about her sobriety on camera, as they tape a scene for a reality show that is about Lindsay Lohan's sobriety. "Why did you just say that on camera," demands Lindsay. AJ tells Lindsay that Dina had told her she was back to drinking and Johnson says she found a bottle of wine in her house. Lindsay says Dina is actually the one who is drinking again and is simply projecting onto her daughter. "There's certain things that I don't want to talk about, that I feel pressured to talk about," explains Lindsay as if what, exactly, the point of this show is about had yet to be communicated to her. It's bizarre. And then, Johnson, who had started growing on us as a skilled Lohnanian bullshit detector countered with the spectacularly bad question of "are you mad at me?"  Ball was back in Lindsay's court.

5) And boy oh boy does Lindsay exercise that power. She goes to L.A. for 7 days, refusing to allow filming, not being in touch with Johnson and not showing up to a meeting that Johnson had arranged for her with a Sony executive. When Lindsay gets back to New York, she tells Johnson she over slept and missed her Sony meeting and that she hadn't been in touch because she turned her phone off. Lindsay then refuses to see Johnson for their next scheduled taping because she's still upset her life coach would stoop so low as to ask her about being sober on a reality show dedicated exclusively to chronicling her sobriety. Johnson quits. (Never mind that Lohan later admits that Johnson had been right and she had, in fact, relapsed.) With Johnson off the job as life coach, who will step in? Wonder what those moving guys are up to.

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