5 Thoughts on Episode 4 of Lindsay Lohan's OWN Reality Show

by Elizabeth Thompson

1.) The show is losing steam (note: our '10 thoughts on Lindsay Lohan's OWN Reality Show' recaps are now '5 Thoughts on Lindsay Lohan's OWN Reality Show') and Oprah's big 'get your shit together' visit from last week is continued into the first quarter of last night's episode. Dina Lohan is in the mix this time, and Oprah gets her to admit that she done effed up when she let a teenage Lindsay move to California. "I didn't even know the names of half the drugs she was on," Dina offers like any good, enabling parent. Oprah does her best impression of Oprah being like, 'that's so Oprah, Oprah!', telling Lindsay she must be "a master of her faith and a captain of her soul." Then Nana Lohan comes in, hugs Oprah, and announces that Lindsay should have won an Oscar for The Parent Trap. I think we all know who the real star of this series is.

2.) Lohan's Put-Upon assistant Fancy Matt is still Put Upon and still in his three-piece suit for reasons unknown. He hires Lohan an additional assistant, Hollie, who crashes around Lindsay's apartment, trying to put together some clothing racks. He later fires her for drinking a glass of wine on the job. Jesus Christ.

3) We see how desperate Lohan is to work again, and, for the first time this season, her OWN-hired life coach, AJ Johnson -- who thus far has taken Lohan to pole-dancing workout classes and asked her soul-searching questions like "swimming pool or ocean? yes or no? top or bottom?" --  seems to be actually helping her. She listens patiently while Lohan complains that her management company doesn't fight hard enough for her to get roles. We see ripples of the "$7 million-a-film"-teenage-star Lohan, frustrated and tearful that an Avengers part she had wanted had been give to "an unknown." Johnson carefully suggests that it's still up to her to prove to people that she's actually hireable and dependable. Lohan was like, "yeah," and stared off into space.

4) Lohan does some community service work at a NYC children's center, bonding with a little boy named Donovan who tells her earnestly as she's leaving "thank you for hugging me." It's soul-crushing. Lohan promises to come back and visit him. So help us God, Lindsay, you better have gone back.

5) Lindsay's fancy movie star veneer falls off (how's that for irony?), which requires a trip to the dentist. The veneer just needs to be cemented back on, but for some reason requires her to be put under by an anesthesiologist using a "light" combination of valium, fentanyl and propofol. Asked by the director if this means she's breaking her sobriety, Lohan reasons matter-of-factly that she'll still be sober after the procedure because the drugs "wear off." You know, as opposed to other one-stop-shop substances and drugs that keep you soaring 4 lyyyfe. Later, her anesthesiologist admits that painkillers like the ones Lohan was given might impact an addict "to a certain degree." To which all of the 500 people still watching this mess responded at home with a resounding "no shit."

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