I'll admit it: I'm a psycho Britney Spears fan. I used to call her assistant (thanks Yahoo! phone book) every Christmas Eve because I figured it was the only time she'd not be on a Britney world tour and might be willing to say hello to me. Her assistant would hang up immediately. I once regretfully hooked up with her disgusting hair colorist. When I was a tween, her sound guy told me to "shut the fuck up or move!" because of my gay squealing at her concert. I've experienced horror and have sacrificed lots of dignity for Britney. And I'm not going anywhere!
That said, I feel comfortable in saying that Britney Spears' fans (aka the #BritneyArmy) are very delusional. (Some might prefer "loyal," but whatever.) True Brit Brit fans refer to her as "Godney," or -- my personal favorite -- The Holy Spearit. We tweet things like, "If Britney can survive 2007, I can survive today!" Additionally, when Britney executes a decent hair whip, she's Whipney; when she turns the mic on for two seconds, she's Vocalney; when she rocks a turtleneck complete with a Starbucks coffee stain, she's Realney. You get the picture.
Regardless of my recent Britney tattoo (a scribbly heart on my bicep copied from the Britney Jean album cover art), I'm a grown-ass 27-year-old who can admit when Britney fucks up. Which brings me to the leaked autotune-free vocals of "Alien," track number one from Britney Jean. It's all over the web and haters are majorly hating. (Meanwhile, the Southern belle remains unfuckwithable, shopping yesterday at Bed, Bath, & Beyond whilst rocking a straw hat, blue aviators and a halter top with a big ribbon centerpiece, so take that.)
But, yes, the vocals are pretty side-eye-inducing. I mean, she does hit the high notes albeit with pinched vocals, but it's the many moments she goes flat that hurt my heart a bit. The song's producer, William Orbit, came to the Holy Spearit's defense on Facebook, saying that she was just warming up. Old me would defend Britney hardcore here, and list the many moments her vocals were amazing and unmatched in pop music, but I won't. (Feel free to DM me.) Instead, I'd like to direct your ears to another leaked, auto-tune free gem: It's Brit recording the immaculate banger known as "Break The Ice" from her game-changing Blackout album circa 2007 (think: Britney buzz cut). It features Godney chewing ice while recording a song about ice (according to one YouTube commenter, Britney was pregnant at the time and craving ice). Please take note of her vocal diversity -- one take showcases Britney's thunderous natural register, another her classic helium-ish baby doll vocals. In other words, it's #Slayney.