1. "Cruel World"
"With my little red party dress on,
Everybody knows that I'm a mess,
I'm crazy, yeah."
Wait, is this is the same freakin' party dress you've been singing about for the past two albums? If so, I hope to God you've had it dry-cleaned because if its truly made appearances at all these parties, I can't imagine the stains and smells the thing has accumulated over the years. No wonder they all think you're a mess.
2. "Shades of Cool"
"But I can't fix him, can't make him better.
And I can't do nothing about this strange weather."
This guy -- like all the rest in your love life -- is a bit troubled, addicted to drugs and, of course, drives a chevy Malibu. You can't fix him, etc., etc., etc., but you're also concerned about "this strange weather?" You can't do anything about a flash flood, you know that! Focus, girl, focus -- just one thing at a time.
3. "Brooklyn Baby"
"I've got feathers in my hair,
I get down to beat poetry."
I'm going to need you to further define, "get down," Lana, because I find it very hard to believe that you "get down" to beat poetry in the same way I "get down" to Beyoncé.
4. "West Coast"
"He's crazy y Cubano como yo my love."
I threw this lyric into Google translator to give you the benefit of the doubt, but it still makes no sense, even in English. "He's crazy and Cuban like me, my love." Girl, your real name is Elizabeth. Woolridge. Grant. You grew up in Lake Placid, New York.
5. "Sad Girl"
"I'm a sad girl,
I'm a sad girl,
I'm a sad girl,
I'm a sad girl."
But how do you really feel?
6. "Pretty When You Cry"
"I'm pretty when I cry,
I'm pretty when I cry.
I'm pretty when I cry,
I'm pretty when I cry."
Lana lives in a romantic old Hollywood black and white film where tears softly fall one-by-one down the cheeks of sexy sirens. Her face doesn't turn red, her mascara doesn't run, her eyes don't get puffy. Deal. With. It.
7. "Money Power Glory"
"Alleluia, I wanna take you for all that you got,
Alleluia, I'm gonna take them for all that they got."
It's definitely refreshing to hear your more aggressive and confident side, Lana. You're Lana Del Rey -- more of this, please. Rob a bank, steal some credit cards, run out of Barney's with handfuls of Christian Louboutins -- take them, girl, you've got this.
8. "Fucked My Way Up to the Top"
"I fucked my way up to the top,
This is my show.
I fucked my way up to the top,
Go, baby, go."
Remember those rumors circulating before the release of your debut album, claiming you were a product of the industry with an extremely wealthy family and really good connections, Lana? I'm not sure if this is your way of hinting at the truth behind these claims or if it's another one of your damsel-in-distress fantasies, but either way, this is certainly one way to get the job done--Do you, Lana. Do you.
9. "Old Money"
"Blue hydrangea, cold cash divine,
Cashmere, cologne and hot sunshine.
Red racing cars, Sunset and Vine,
And we were young and pretty."
Ah, yes--Here's a prime example of classic Lana Del Rey lyrics, brimming with nostalgic imagery that collectively makes no sense and longs for a distant day of youthful beauty. The picture you've created, here, is quite beautiful, Lana, but I really can't get over your choice to rhyme "Divine" with Vine." Not even wine? Wine would have been perfect.
10. "The Other Woman"
"The other woman enchants her clothes with French perfume.
The other woman keeps fresh cut flowers in each room.
There are never toys that's scattered everywhere."
This woman seems horribly boring, don't you think? French perfume, fresh cut flowers and NO toys? I much prefer a woman who wears cheap perfume, can barely keep a plant alive and lets her toys be thrown every which way. No need to be threatened by "the other woman," Lana.
11. "Black Beauty"
"I paint the house black,
My wedding dress black leather, too."
You of all people want to wear a black leather dress on your wedding day? I guess I just assumed you'd want the frilliest white wedding with pounds of red roses, buckets of champagne and the daintiest of jazz music, but this darker approach is certainly more exciting. If this is just a phase, I fully support your every move. Think Dita Von Teese on her wedding day with Marilyn Manson.
12. "Guns and Roses"
"We should have left Las Vegas,
And then began again,
To get back to Detroit,
Back to the Promised Land."
This may be an unpopular opinion, but I'd hardly consider Detroit to be the Promised Land. This is obviously all a part of your trailer park chic daydream, which I love, but I also think it's fair to say you should set the bar just a bit higher. Maybe Akron?
13. "Florida Kilos"
"Guns in the summertime,
Drink a Cherry Cola lime,
Prison isn't nothing to me if you'll be by my side."
At this point, we all know you're a big fan of all things Cola, Lana, and I guess I shouldn't be remotely surprised at your decision to lyrically pair it with guns this time around. After all, you did famously relate it to the taste of your pussy on Born To Die: Paradise Edition. It's not clear exactly what you plan on doing with guns or Cherry Cola lime, but I promise prison won't be as glamorous as you've dreamt it to be.