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James Franco published a short story on VICE's website today about his time as a resident at Chateau Marmont, and specifically, his faux-friendship with fellow Chateau inhabitant Lindsay Lohan. Because it's a "short story," we're supposed to assume at least some of this article is fictional. But, James, how can you write a "fictional" story yet drop all real names and super-plausible situations? Or is that the *mystery and allure* of Hollywood, when the edges between reality and drama blur when celebrity is thrown into the equation? Well, anyway, read the 15 most cuckoo quotes from the story and decide for yourself:

1. [Narrator/James Franco] "Which reminds me of a story Gus [Van Sant] later told me about River [Phoenix] in Portland, during preproduction. River was pulled over by the cops for wearing jeans with a hole in the front so big that his dick hung out."

That's a hell of an anecdote to start this piece.

2. [Narrator/James Franco] "There was a Hollywood girl staying at Chateau Marmont. She had gotten a key to my room from the manager."

But, like, isn't that very illegal? Is security not a priority at Chateau Marmont or do you just get to do whatever the fuck you want when you're a celebrity?

3. [Narrator/James Franco on Lindsay] "She said, 'Open the door, you bookworm punk blogger faggot.'"

Oh, Lindsay. Your pickup lines are killer.

4. [Narrator/James Franco] "This project ended when a bouncer put Harmony [Korine]'s leg on the curb and jumped on it."

Damn it, Franco. We're still reeling from your amputation scene in 127 Hours. Cool it with the sickening mental images.

5. [Lindsay Lohan to Narrator/James Franco] "'Do you think this is me? Lindsay Lohan. Say it. Say it, like you have ownership. It's not my name anymore.'"

Maybe this was intended to be *hot* but it really just came off as a red flag for a plethora of self-esteem issues.

6. [Narrator/James Franco] "Do you think I've created this? This dragon girl, lion girl, Hollywood hellion, terror of Sunset Boulevard, minor in the clubs, Chateau Demon? Do you think this is me?"

Honestly, James, we didn't think it was you. But thou doth protest too much, and now we're thinking of all the possible ways you've influenced Lindsay's demise. LEAVE LINDSAY ALONE.

7. [Narrator/James Franco] "And out my window, above the red ceramic tiles of the Spanish roofs, just to the left, was the billboard owned by Gucci, so close it was essentially part of the hotel, and on it was my oversize face, for, you see, I was a model for their fragrances, clothes, and eyewear."

This could really be a scene out of Sofia Coppola's Somewhere. Franco is literally the best friend Sofia and Gia Coppola ever had, feeding them material for Somewhere and Palo Alto, respectively.

8. [Narrator/James Franco on J.D. Salinger's Nine Stories] "And there's the little girl in the story, Sibyl, and the pale suicide, Seymour, who kisses her foot and talks about bananafish with her, those fantastic phallic fish who stick their heads in holes and gorge themselves--it should be called 'A Perfect Day for Dickfish' -- and then, bam, he shoots himself."

Is this whole piece an extended metaphor for men gorging themselves on Lindsay and creating the terror of Sunset Boulevard? 

9. [Narrator/James Franco on J.D. Salinger and his affairs with young women] "After that, after he fucked them, they were no longer the innocent ones running through the rye to be caught before they went over the cliff. They had gone over, and he had been the one to push them."

Maybe I'm grasping for straws, but it seems like Franco is comparing his Palo Alto character, Mr. B, to Salinger. Perhaps Franco is distracting us with Lindsay and this whole piece is promotional literature for his new film, which continues to open in more theaters each week.

10. [Lindsay Lohan to Narrator/James Franco] "'I took two Oxycontins and things got bad. The DJ was this bearded dude named Paul. I remember requesting Journey's 'Don't Stop Believin'.' I remember sitting back down, and I remember trying to speak up, to talk to that cute boy in a red gingham shirt, James."

Why is Lindsay requesting 'Don't Stop Believin'" at Bungalow 8, though? Oxy really does cause her to make absurd life choices.

11. [Lindsay Lohan to Narrator/James Franco] "'I fucked one of the Greeks instead: a big-schnozzed, big-dicked, drunk motherfucker. We did it in the bath. That was the best night of my life.'"

Jesus, Lindsay. We're so sure you've had better nights than that.

12. [Narrator/James Franco] "So how would she ever stop the craziness when the response to her work and the response to her life had converged into one? Two kinds of performance, in film and in life, had melted into one."

So it goes. We're still waiting patiently for her to crawl out of the rabbit hole she drunkenly tripped into in 2006.

13. [Narrator/James Franco] "So if life is your grand performance, have you made good choices?"

Franco asks these thought-provoking questions while simultaneously assuring us throughout the piece that he didn't fuck Lindsay. You're probably thinking, "But James, you were on her fuck list!" We're confused, too.

14. [Narrator/James Franco on Lindsay Lohan] "Instead of fucking her, I read her a short story about a neglected daughter."

We know you had good intentions, James, but maybe this wasn't the best move to comfort daddy-issue-addled Lindsay.

15. [A "demon voice" speaking to the Narrator/James Franco] "Do all. You are immortal and live on forever, on the screens and in the minds of the peoples. Your physical self lives above their heads, in the dream hotels, in the chateaus of rarefied space, and your spirit inhabits their minds, while your teeth and cock feed on their bodies."

Just...weird. Lindsay totally slipped him a drug that made him have a crazy dream.

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