If you're still catching up to True Detective, careful, there's spoilers below.
True Detective wrapped up last night, giving an audience that had breathlessly devised so many complex and intriguing finale predictions an ending that was obviously on sale, the wrong color and not even from the more-far-away mall in the nice neighborhood. (Just give us cash next year, True Detective.) We did, however, get a few parting shots of Matthew McConaughey's nipple in the final scene, so at least there was that. And although McConaughey's country-fried Camel Lights drawl made his metaphysical babbling and ridiculous one-liners like 'l'chaim, fat-ass' so priceless, Woody Harrelson was the one who could draw out a vowel like nothing else, sounding like he had something large and squishy in his mouth for much of this season's eight episodes. But what was in his mouth this season? We have 20 guesses below.
1. A wad of Fruit by the Foot that he stuck to the roof of his mouth just to see what a retainer might feel like.
2. Themes discussed in an AP English essay.
3. A Pace Picante commercial.
4.) Everyone over-thinking it.
5.) Left over Banh Mi from that time he and Rust went to the Vietnamese restaurant, a business that would totally exist and thrive in the depths of rural satanic-methhead Louisiana swamp land.
6.) A red herring with double Ds that's into butt stuff.
7.) Dolls, the ominous tinkering of a music box and Spanish moss, all lightly dressed in Elmer's glue and served with a slaw of loose ends.
8) Something that would make a grown man SCREEEEAM!
9) The ghost of macho man Randy Savage.
10) Loose change and walking around money.
11) 5 hardy squirts of ranch.
12) A gill-like vestige that just showed up one day but probably filters the second-hand smoke of 20,000 Camel lights, so he won't ask doc to give it a look.
13) Two guys just being guys.
14) The phrase "pizza lunch."
15) A cookie party!
16) Someone yelling, "that's IT?!"
17) Something he's been meaning to ask Rust for the past 10 years.
19) An old lady with an amazing memory for house painting rates in 1994 eating a Werther's Original in an old folks home.