venndiagram.pngYou likely already know that Martha Stewart sucks at taking photos of food but if you've never checked out the home-living connoisseur/afternoon TV host/ex-con's Twitter account, well, it's nothing short of spectacular. Her tweets range from "kinda bizarre" to "truly, uniquely bizarre" and we've pulled a selection of the best of the best. All that is requested of you is to imagine Martha herself -- refined and polite, with pearly teeth and a tasteful denim blouse -- articulating these 140 word soundbites.

blaster.pngMartha's fragile 72 year-old hands have used a goddamn sandblaster.

usopen1.pngCheck out these A-listers!

usopen2.pngAnd also these people.

wal1.pngThanks, Martha!

wal2.pngMen, if you've ever wondered if you can take a menopause supplement MARTHA SAYS NO.

bloggers.pngTo those bloggers who are NOT great friends or trusted allies, watch your shit. 

ush.pngUsh going in for the hair sniff.

pitbull.pngMartha's favorite breed. (P.S. Never getting used to the unsettling gaze of Pitbull without sunglasses... *shivers*)

tris1.pngActual real human people in the world took time out of one of their days on Earth to write a description of how they eat Triscuits.

tris2.pngMuch like Triscuits, Martha was a popular(very popular) cracker in prison.

vdgas.png"Did Martha Stewart just misspell the word 'areola'?" <-- Bet you never thought you'd have to ask this question.

unresp.pngUnresponsive like they aren't answering at the concierge desk or unresponsive like she knocked them out using a jailyard wrestling move she learned?

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