PAPER
on the front lines of cultural chaos since 1984.
TV
1)  The show's first half an hour is crazy, crazy boring. Why-am-I-still-watching-this-show, boring. Ask-your-cat-what-the-high-and-low-points-of-its-day-were-just-to-kill-time boring -- a mix of Lindsay cancelling scheduled filming times, being difficult with the crew and acting, generally, like Lindsay Lohan. Everyone is not-surprised that Lindsay Lohan is being very predictably like Lindsay Lohan. Still, don't be so Lindsay Lohan, on your own show, Lindsay, Lindsay Lohan! 



2) Half way way through the episode there's an argument between Lohan and her beleaguered assistant Matt, who is always in a three-piece suit, that had something to do with him not getting copies of Lohan's keys made or something. But he did make the copies, or something, and then something about 'why do I feel like I'M the one working FOR YOU?' and something else about something and then something. The whole thing was like floating in space on Quaaludes.

3) Things finally start to get interesting in the second half of the show. We see Lindsay repeatedly telling her fake life coach that her sobriety is "sacred" to her and she's not into cameras showing "all the negative shit," about her life. Pressed by her pretend helper health lady why her sobriety is so 'sacred' to her, we see a flash of anger from Lohan over the stupidity of the question. She talks in circles about how having cameras around her makes her not want to go to AA meetings and that she can feel herself slipping. And though part of me genuinely feels sorry for her here, and for feeling the need, even at this point in her pretty much ruined career, to try to manage how people view her and to try to control that she be depicted in positive light is sad. That must be exhausting for Lindsay Lohan. And I'm sure that adding addition to the mix is a real picnic. That said, she never really answered the question.
4) Oprah is summoned from Chicago to ask Lindsay Lohan to stop being a fragile narcissistic  addict with control problems, or to at least start being that on camera. Lindsay gives Oprah the same run around that she gives her professional Life Choices Suggester hired by the OWN network and Oprah out-Oprahs herself, pummeling Lohan with her gloriously confounding Winfrey-speak -- asking questions the size of the universe like, "what is your truth," and "what is the essence of you" -- spoiled brat actress getting her comeuppance from Oprah or not, how the hell is anyone supposed to answer those questions? Winfrey asks her if she's stayed sober and Lohan says she has. Oprah gives her double high fives, and Lohan bursts into tears.

5) Finally, FINALLY, Oprah asks Lohan, point-blank, if she wants to keep doing the show. "Yes, I want it," Lohan feebily croaks, and we're all supposed to believe for a moment that it's a fading-star child celebrity with her sobriety still in its infancy who's running the show. Oprah tells her not to fuck it up.
Comments...