Last night Oprah's OWN network aired the premiere of Lindsay Lohan's reality show, Lindsay, which documents the troubled star's attempt, fresh out of rehab, to get her career going again and stay sober. Nothing could go wrong when you ad a reality show to the mix, right? Join us below, we as review some highlights from the episode.
1) Oprah's pre-interviews are intense. Before they film an interview that aired on OWN in August, days after Lohan had been released from rehab, Lindsay tells Oprah that she only wants to come across as herself in the interview. Oprah, smelling the bullshit, tells Lohan "I'm only interested in what is the truth." Lohan gulps and nods and then lets Oprah talk her out of going on a potentially sobriety-derailing trip to Europe. It's kind of awesome. Shouldn't this show just Oprah following Lindsay around, tell her not to do things and not breaking eye contact until Lohan agrees?
2) Much is made of the fact that Lindsay does not have an apartment in in New York, and must live for like three weeks in a 5-star hotel until she can find a place with a co-op board that will accept her. At first I was like, "get. over. it.," but it's understandable how disorienting and un-fun living out of a suitcase would feel for a person desperate for stability. Not a good idea. Kind of like doing a reality show fresh out of rehab.
3) Living out of a hotel means that she's living out of suitcases and boxes, with much of the show featuring her sorting through clothes, shoes and jewelry laid out in front of her as now sad reminders of her previous success. When she pulls a Mean Girls t-shirt with
"Fetch" on the front of it from a box at Dina's house, where most of her belongings are in storage, Dina stares blankly at it. Oh, oh, yes, that's right, Mean Girls. Cute, hon. Even crazy old Dina has moved on.
4) Lindsay's broker is named "Cash Bernard." Cash Bernard is, in Lindsay's opinion, not working as hard as he could to get her into an apartment. Cash Bernard is being "lackadaiscal" about the whole thing, says Lindsay of Cash Bernard. Cash Bernard.
5) Lohan has trust issues, and herself admits that people are always trying to jerk her around. This makes sense, given who her parents are, but one gets the impression watching Lohan become weepier and more explosive during an argument with a director at a lingerie shoot she had agreed to appear, in only to have her role changed without her knowledge, her only defense mechanism in these situations is to explode and act like a huge, bratty baby.
6) On said lingerie shoot, the grim realities of life as a former child star become plainly obvious. There are depressing one-on-ones with models likely 3 to 4 years younger than Lohan, talking about as her like she's a decades-older old washed-up star who's now a novelty. "I'm excited to work with Lindsay Lohan," says a girl in a bra. "Parent Trap was my favorite movie growing up." This is, where the show shines and shows real potential. While there are certainly one or two awkwardly staged opportunities --going to a fashion show to see her model sister, who seems vaguely surprised to see her there, walk the runway, for one -- the show is seemingly more or less candid. No bullshit staged storylines a la Keeping Up with the Kardashians or Real Housewives -- it's all about true intentions. This is Oprah country, y'all.
7) And for all of her own trust issues, people, unsurprisingly, don't trust Lindsay Lohan. When Cash Bernard does finally find her an apartment, she must also put down $10 million for an insurance policy. When Lohan is a no-show at The Canyons junket in Venice, director Paul Schraeder describes working with LL as like being "held hostage by a talented but unpredictable actress." Nope, nothing could go wrong with this Oprah reality show. Not at all.
8) Constant commercials for Cliffiside Malibu where Lohan did her latest rehab stints adds to the pressure on Lohan to not Totally Screw This Up. The ad's tagline: "At Cliffisde, you should only have to do this once."
9) The paparazzi keep her prisoner in her hotel room, unable to go to an AA meeting, and it's pretty dark. She might not be getting work, but Lohan is still worth tons of paparazzi dollars, one photographer standing outside her hotel room flashing a watch at the camera that he brags Lohan paid for.
10) Despite showing flashes of self-awareness, freely talking about her tendency to self-sabotage, she's also totally oblivious at other times. In one scene, Lohan remarks that in her pre-rehab life she existed in a bubble where everything was done for her, but that now she's more independent and doing things for herself. And then she has her personal assistant scramble to move all of her belongings into a new room in her hotel because she feels like a change of scenery.