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Screen Shot 2014-02-18 at 5.42.14 PM.png1. Eli: Carlton and Yolanda finally take a trip to the friendly neighborhood House of Wicca, which has much more natural light than I would have suspected. Carlton shows Yolanda different candles that all have semi-spiritual names like "Cleansing Candle." Even Carlton seems to be a little unclear on what that means, saying she currently has one burning because she needs to [gesturing wildly up and down her body] "you know, get everything together." Yolanda seems charmed by all the different candles. The saleslady explains that after you burn the candle, you can bring it back afterwards so they can do a reading on its effects. Good to know that even purveyors of magic candles can run a scam. Also, Carlton is wearing a traditional Wiccan dog tag necklace.

2. Carey: I'm going to skip right to the most important part of this show: Carlton put a curse on Kyle's computer screensaver. Kyle heads over to Joyce's house to hash out the final deets of their big -- and most likely disastrous -- vacation to Puerto Rico. All of a sudden, a super dramatic look washes over Kyle's face and she says, "Something...happened." Joyce's eyes widen. She already knows what Kyle's going to say. Carlton HAS STRUCK AGAIN. Kyle explains that the PC her family uses in her kitchen has had the same screensaver -- a picture of her family -- for the past few years. The other day, while she was with Portia in their kitchen, THE SCREEN HAD CHANGED. Kyle shows Joyce (questionable) photographic proof of the alteration -- the screensaver now had somewhat biblical and sinister words like, "Bigot," "Traitor," "WRAITH" (my personal favorite), and "LARVA." LARVAAAAAAAAA. This "display" (sorry) of power, though, was genuinely creepy, even more so than Joyce's hubby getting food poisoning.

Screen Shot 2014-02-18 at 5.42.38 PM.png3. Carey: From "YOU ARE A SLUT. PIG." to spray tans, Kim and Brandi's friendship has LIFTED OFF! They are besties now. They meet for a little spray on sesh and vent a little. If you think about it, they're actually perfect for each other. Kim can just mutter on and on about Kingsley and her kids, how dark it gets at night where she lives, how she took Kingsley for a walk in the canyon behind her house and found a dead body... all while Brandi just sort of listens and waits for a keyword that can set her off into a tangent about herself. I am really starting to appreciate Brandi though -- I never thought it would happen, but it is. As long as she makes Kim happy, I AM COOL WITH THAT. We need Kim to be happy at all times. Anyway. Brandi goes full on nude for her spray tan and Kim gets a little chutzpah and strips down to her lacey blank bra and panties. I can't wait for the two of them to go on a singles cruise together through the Mediterranean.

4. Carey: Let's talk about Gigi's graduation party. OK! Was this even a graduation party? It was held in one of Mohamed's elaborate rooms in the basement of the house in the spirit of the "Arabian Nights" theme Gigi requested. Can you imagine what has happened in those rooms over the years? CAN YOU??? Yolanda knows so much. I think this is why Mohamed lets her use him for his big ass house. The party is basically a giant table in the center of the room where the cast of the 'Wives -- minus Kim and Joyce and their spouses and minus Brandi -- sit and eat. Meanwhile Gigi and her friends sit on chairs that are set against the wall, facing the adults. "Hey guys, come sit on a chair in the corner of the room and watch my mom and some women I don't care about and their husbands not look at us for a few hours." Gigi makes a speech midway through the party, thanking Yo-Yo, her very rich father and very rich stepfather for making her life really easy and nice. At least she's honest. The speech goes from heartfelt to please-sit-down in a matter of seconds and Gigi gets this annoyingly choked up, high-pitched, "I was sneaking shots with my friends upstairs and am probs drunk" voice. Alas, I think Gigi is remarkably humble and self-aware for being raised by the parents she has so kudos, homegirl.

5. Eli: Can we just talk for a second about how big Mohamed's house is? All you need to know to understand this fact is that he owns swans. Owning swans adds a few hundred thousand dollars in taxes, just by merit. I don't even know what you feed swans. I would guess it's just bread, but I feel like that's maybe too pedestrian for their graceful digestive systems? I wanna know who Mohamed's swan guy is or if he just got them from some sort of swan warehouse on Melrose.

Screen Shot 2014-02-18 at 5.43.58 PM.png6. Carey: There were two big Yolanda moments at this party

1. After someone calls attention to the sleeveless, billowy, sunset-colored, faux-bohemian gown Yolanda is wearing, she says, "I'm a musician's wife!" and laughs and laughs. I am now waiting for Yolanda to write a memoir and title it, Memories of a Musician's Wife.

2. After exclaiming "We forgot Gigi's cake!!!!" Yolanda brings a humungous, ugly cake down to the basement dungeon and everyone cheers. On top of the cake is a giant frosting photo of a modeling picture where Gigi is straddling a motorcycle, because nothing says "Congratulations on going to college" like a picture of you humping a motorcycle. Then Yolanda tells Gigi, "We have to stick to our diets" and there is a quick shot of the two sitting in the corner, splitting one piece of cake into several small pieces, and then a giant hole opened up in my floor and I leaped into it.
 
7. Eli: I am not a fan of Carlton and I think one of the biggest things I don't like about her is that she's one of those people who genuinely seems to think she's above everyone and everything that's going on, while at the same time being deeply, deeply involved, and loving every second of it. "It's like high school again," she sighs, letting us in on her maturity and level-headedness, before having an awkward scene with Brandi and Lisa minutes later that revolves around not accepting a gift that belongs directly in a high-school lunchroom.

8. Eli: Also at Mohamed's party, in the exchange between Lisa-Brandi-Carlton-Kyle, you can really start to see where some of these conversations start to snowball. It's basically a game of telephone where no one outright lies but each successive person changes a word or two in a quote to make themselves seem better, and by the end of it, we're working with pure fiction.  "Wasn't the necklace blue" turns into "Well, that doesn't go with it, wasn't the necklace blue" to "Does that go with it?" Maybe  part of the reason these fights never get resolved is because they're based on about 15 different possible conversations. To be honest, I think they just need to hire a stenographer on this show to follow them around so we can be done with this.

Screen Shot 2014-02-18 at 5.44.11 PM.png9. Eli: Apparently Joyce's dad died, which is very sad.  Kyle shares the news with the other Housewives, and the way they eat up this information parallels someone throwing bread to the swans out front. The more I think about it, maybe the swans are a pretty solid representation of the Housewives. Outwardly beautiful, with lovely decoration, but also violent creatures, with loud, grating squawks. And hugely protective of their offspring. ("NOT IN FRONT OF MY CHILDREN!")

10. Carey: Lisa had a bad time this episode. Her former cronies  (Wino-Glanville and Yo-Yo) are beginning to turn on her, and Kyle hilariously busts her for lying about trying to stir the pot between Kyle and Carlton at Gigi's party. She is an absolute serpent woman, and has been the entire series, and I am very happy everyone is starting to hate her. But the best moment had to be her reaction to the news that Joyce's dad passed away. Lisa pauses for a moment and says in the most unconvincing tone ever recorded in human history, "OHHHHHHHH NOOOOOOOOOOO." OHHHHHH NOOOOOOOOOOO. It's worse than seeing anyone "like" someone's "RIP" Facebook status, or even worse than someone commenting on it. "So sorry for your loss!" I kept imagining a close-up of Lisa from Joyce's POV, saying "OHHHH NOOOO, JOYCE, I'M SO SORRYYYYYYYYYYYY, JOYYYYYYCE" in slow-motion. Bye, Lisa! Bye!




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