We've asked Eli Yudin and Carey O'Donnell, authors of the very, very funny Twitter account @NotTildaSwinton, to share their ten thoughts, feelings, hopes and dreams with us after watching the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills every week. Join us for a recap, won't you?
1) Carey: Brandi gets photographed for the cover of her SECOND book. Let's just re-read that sentence: Brandi is getting photographed for the cover of her second book. Second. Book. Brandi has a second book that needs a cover photo. There's a cover photo needed, because Brandi is writing a book that is sequentially considered second in the order of books Brandi has had someone else write for her. Ok, sorry. Brandi says, "The good thing is this book has nothing to do with my ex-husband, and is all about ME, ME. ME." Oh, hell. They're going for a "half-sexy party girl, half-dedicated mother" motif with the photographs, as Brandi dons a black cocktail dress while wearing rubber gloves and holding a sponge. Her book editor, who is an angry-looking woman wearing a plaid shirt with a FRILLED PLAID COLLAR yells at everyone because apparently this has NOTHING to do with what the book is about. The book is about Brandi being single and relationship advice, not about being a single mother. Everyone, including Brandi, and the photographer, sort of goes silent and looks at each other like, "Oh, yeah..." I have no more words about this.
2) Carey: Joyce continues her streak of asking "What's that?" about fairly common words in the English language. Let's give her a break, though -- this is her second language, and she virtually has no detectable accent -- but goddammit if it isn't hilarious when this happens. She and Carlton meet for lunch and Joyce pleads with her not to use any more spells, referencing how Carlton may or may not have hexed Joyce's husband into getting food poisoning. Carlton defends herself against this accusation, saying how she used to practice dark magic when she was young, but now stays away from it after terrible things began happening to her. WHAT. THE. FUCK
3) Eli: Kim and Kimberly's adventures at the Tattoo Parlor! They each decide to get a butterfly, which I'm sure the tattoo artist pulls out of a drawer marked, "GIRLS GOING TO COLLEGE." Apparently Kim thinks she's going to be reincarnated as a butterfly -- which is totally not how it works -- and, as such, the tattoo will represent her. I understand that, and that it might have that sort of meaning, but to anyone else, it's just another butterfly on another 18-25 year old girl's wrist. Kim's spirit animal may as well have been a feather, an infinity symbol, or a Marilyn Monroe quote. (I'd go Grace Kelly over Marilyn Monroe any day anyways.) The tattoo artist manages to choke down vomit long enough to tat up Kim, while Kimberly watches and looks like she's about to cry. They keep making jokes about how it's going to hurt, which I'm sure the tattoo artist loves every time. To be honest, I've never had a bikini wax, but I'm pretty sure it puts a tattoo to shame. Not to mention CHILDBIRTH.
4) Carey: When Kim tells her youngest child, "When you're at college and you're homesick, just look down at your butterfly and think, 'Mom,'" I excused myself to the zero people around me and walked into a nearby reservoir.
5) Carey: Gigi may have said the greatest thing in any Real Housewives franchise about every single Real Housewives franchise. While getting her prized pastry ready for college, Yolanda shows Gigi a "collage" of photos she has made for her. Every single photo is just a photo of Gigi. "Looooouuuke what ah made fah you," Yolanda says with a twinge of menace. "I'm not the type of person who puts photos of themselves in their own house," Gigi says back. YES GIGI! Yes. Say it. SAYYYYY IT.
6) Carey: Meanwhile, Lisa and Kyle throw a joint b-day dinner for their respective hubbies, Ken and Mauricio. With the help of talking Egyptian death mask, Kevin Lee, they manage to throw a formal, "intimate" dinner in Lisa's backyard. Carlton finds a way to distract us from her horrible, '80s pornstar bangs and brings up the "dream" she had about Kyle "talking shit" and how that dream was confirmed by some rando women. Mostly all of the "times" Kyle allegedly spoke ill of her were complete bullshit and even Brandi is like, "Nahhhhhh." Kyle is confused, because she thought the two had buried the hatchet after she gave Carlton that lame-looking necklace at the pool party. "That necklace!" Carlton yells back. "That necklace has been in a glass of distilled water so I could cleanse it." HA!!!!!!!!!! That was everything I was waiting for. A damn Forever 21 necklace submerged in water on Carlton's marble kitchen counter top.
7) Eli: I don't understand who this Kevin Lee figure is, but he makes me deeply uncomfortable. He looks like a rejected Muppet that someone dressed up in Zara clothes and dropped in the middle of a street in L.A. Everything about his look, voice, and movement suggests to me that he has no free will. He never removes his sunglasses and I can only assume it's because his eyes have no pupils. Lisa and Kyle hire him to plan their party, which I still don't understand because he seems fairly awful at it. When he leaves their house, he shouts some cheerful goodbyes, and then walks into a bush where he collapses into a pile of limbs, awaiting the next person to be so foolish as to answer his Yellow Pages ad. At each party he includes one of the rituals he needs in order to break the spell that compels him to live, so his soul can finally ascend to heaven.
8) Eli: If you're still unconvinced by my argument that Kevin's party planning seems terrible, let's look at the "aquatic dancers" he hired. These jerky, discombobulated water faeries wade into knee-deep water with what look like boas and the specific crooked smiles only barbiturates can provide, and then proceed to slowly spin while everyone in the party stares. Lisa, after realizing what's happening is weird and uncomfortable, decides to salvage it by having Jax unbutton the only button on his shirt that he's ever used and throw Kevin in the pool. He shrieks and runs out, while I assume Jax attempts to have a threesome with the aquatic dance corpses in front of everybody.
9) Eli: Sceana got engaged! Because if there's one woman you need to LOCK DOWN, it's a waitress who fucks people's husbands.
10) Eli: Ken gives the most adorable drunk toast ever. He gets up and Lisa laughs, "You have no idea what you're going to say." And he doesn't. But god damn if he doesn't give us the most endearing dead air of the series. "This is my buddy," he finally says, and grabs Mauricio's hand. If you think about all of the evil, creepy Muppet vibes that Kevin Lee gives out, Ken's vibes are the opposite. He's the good Muppet, the one that embraces the Muppet message of fun and goodwill. I hope he's in the next movie. Anyways, after the toast it all goes downhill because of course it does. And these women are wondering why they weren't invited to Yolanda's step-daughter's wedding? There's probably a bouncer at the door of the church with pictures of them.