PAPER
on the front lines of cultural chaos since 1984.
and the winner is...
oscars_predictions.gifWe've spent weeks enduring endless "mani cams" and half-baked arguments on Twitter this awards season and now the payoff is finally here: Hollywood's Big Kahuna, the Oscars.  Ahead of the awards show this Sunday, we've calculated some super-scientific predictions on the night's outcomes. Read on.

00a94a3fde4e1ab0_tumblr_mopwfaJ8Tx1rcgpm7o2_500.xxxlarge.gifMost Likely To Mention Food/How Hungry She Is On The Red Carpet: Jennifer Lawrence

Screen Shot 2014-02-28 at 11.58.23 AM.pngNumber of Celebrity Photo-Bombs and Selfies Taken on the Red Carpet: ~178

Screen Shot 2014-02-28 at 11.59.41 AM.pngHost Who Will Just Not Be Mean Enough: Ellen DeGeneres

Screen Shot 2014-02-28 at 12.02.06 PM.pngNominee Who Will Most Likely Be Caught On Camera Giving Off Some Side-Eye When She Loses: Judi Dench -- sorry, Dame Judi Dench

tumblr_msq4l2hRZo1qgzsc3o2_500.gifPerson That Everyone Will Imagine Naked Whenever the Camera Pans to Him: Michael Fassbender

Screen Shot 2014-02-28 at 12.09.05 PM.pngMoment You First Realize That the Oscars Are a "Makes-No-Sense Shit-Show": When Pink performs

Screen Shot 2014-02-28 at 12.15.26 PM.pngMost Likely to Take a Couples' Photo in the Vanity Fair After Party Photobooth: Jonah Hill's Wolf of Wall Street dentures and newly hot-on-the-market John Mayer

lupitajlawtwitter.jpgUpset that Would Break Twitter: We'll all see the 'Fail Whale' if Lupita Nyong'o loses to Jennifer Lawrence. We love you JLaw but sometimes you have to let another kid on the swing set.

Screen Shot 2014-02-28 at 12.22.30 PM.pngPerson Who Will Have a "Fuck This" Think Balloon Over Her Head All Night: Julia Roberts

Screen Shot 2014-02-28 at 12.27.42 PM.pngPerson Who Will Have an Even Bigger "Fuck This" Think Balloon Over His Head All Night: Christian Bale

Screen Shot 2014-02-28 at 12.28.23 PM.pngCoolest Person Who Will Wear Sunglasses Inside All Night Long That Is Not Jack Nicholson: Bradley Cooper's mom, Gloria Compano

Screen Shot 2014-02-28 at 12.32.36 PM.pngMovie You Probably Will -- But Must Not -- Forget Is Nominated for an Oscar: Bad Grandpa

Screen Shot 2014-02-28 at 12.34.45 PM.pngSong That Will 100% Get Spoofed During the Awards...and a Spoof Probably Starring Billy Crystal and Whoopi Goldberg: "Let It Go" from Frozen

Screen Shot 2014-02-28 at 12.35.47 PM.pngPerson You'll Keep Forgetting Was Nominated This Year: Tom Hanks

Screen Shot 2014-02-28 at 12.39.07 PM.pngMinutes the Awards Will Run Long: 26


Comments...