We've asked Eli Yudin and Carey O'Donnell, authors of the very, very funny Twitter account @NotTildaSwinton, to share their ten thoughts, feelings, hopes and dreams with us after watching the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills every week. Join us for a recap, won't you?
1) Carey: We left off with garbage scarecrow Brandi imploding at Lisa's "Peace dinner" at Sur after Hoyseeee and her big-peened, Academy Award-winning German movie producer husband, Michael, all but eviscerated her with truth bombs. I guess their retorts weren't that special; it was mostly just Joyce telling Brandi she's a drunk slob (true) and trashy (true) and racist (debatable), while Michael occasionally interjected with "Do not swear in front of my wife", "I don't want to be on whatever planet you're on" in his unsettling German accent. I don't think Brandi is truly racist. I actually think she's too unintelligent to even be ignorant, if that makes ANY sense. Lemon Empress Yo-Yo and Lisa, of course, go to bat for their droopy-eyed homegirl and very politely argue with Joyce/Michael. I will say that for the first time in any Housewives franchise, Joyce is actually totally right. My fav moment was when Joyce instructed Yolanda to give Brandi 'some elegance." ELEGANCE! ELEGANCE, BRANDI! I guess the only area Brandi needs some major elegance injections in is her insults. The only thing she can vomit up are a bunch of "Go fuck yourself!!!!!"'s and "Shut the fuck up!!!!"'s. When she realized she couldn't win against Hoysee and Big Peen, Brandi rambled on about how depressed she is about her lost puppy Chica (BOOOOOOO), and how she doesn't have a husband, and then Yolanda escorts her away from the able into her chauffeured car and sends her back to her Chica-less home. Bye, Bye, Brandi.
2) Eli: Kyle and Joyce go for golfing lessons in full Back Nine Barbie style, pink clubs and everything. Their "Professional Golfing Instructor," a position that apparently requires you to dress like a Nantucket Terminator, tries his best to explain the game, but finds it very difficult because on every other syllable, Kyle cuts in. "Chip? What's a chip? Golf? Grass? Where am I? Does free will exist? If they had an "Xtra Cheese" flavor for Goldfish, why didn't they just use that all along?!" Kyle also decides to wear those high-heeled sneakers they make now, which, I don't care if your full sports knowledge is from a YouTube video of curling highlights, you know you don't play sports in heels. The whole charm of the high-heeled sneakers is their irony. They're not meant to be some sort of middle-ground for fashionista streetball players.
3) Carey: I want to dedicate an entire section to maybe of the best comment I've ever heard out of all the Real Housewives shows: "If God can forgive humanity for what we did to his son, why can't I forgive Brandi for being a stupid little bitch?" Joyce just became my favorite person. I was trying to imagine Carrie Bradshaw say that as she types her once a week freelance column that manages to pay for her existence in Manhattan. "Later that night I got to thinking...if God can forgive humanity for what we did to his son, why can't I forgive Brandi for being a stupid little bitch?" *ashes cigarette *
4) Eli: As usual, even when they start to have fun golfing, they cannot resist bringing up the unpleasantness of the night before at SUR. This is the sort of place where you can take a note from most mens' crippling detachment from emotion. Two guys could be playing golf the morning after a hostage situation that resulted in the death of one's wife, and still, they'd just be making their way down the course in relative silence. "Nice shot, Charlie," Greg would say, taking another pull from the Rolling Rock nestled in his Bud Light beer coozie. In the distance, the faint plop of a ball on a green, almost inaudible. "Yup." replies Charlie. They then silently clamber onto the golf cart.
5) Carey: There's nothing better than the show's editors blessing us with a shot of Kim Richards peering through window blinds. Last season, when she got her daughter Kimberly ready for prom, and slaved over a large vat of chicken salad that no one ate, Kim peered out through the window blinds as her daughter and her 7 ft, tall date disappeared into the horizon. "Wind's reaaaal bad tonight," Kim says to herself, looking out through the slit of a window blind, a pot of soup hanging in the fireplace. Kim looked out through her blinds again last night, as Kingsley's dog trainer pulled up to her house. "He's back," she muttered to herself in her hoarse whisper. Kingsley appeared to have some improvements from his intensive dog rehab stint, but still has that same, shaky, unstable look to him. He was wearing a muzzle too, which made him look even more insane. I wonder how long it took for Kim to hold the muzzle up, and say, "Well..." and then try it on.
6) Eli: "We're going to clean the dollhouse," says Carlton to Elizy, slinging a jug of bleach over her shoulder. If that's not code for dissolving the bodies of the dead in her basement, I don't know what is. Yes, Carlton, you have to "clean the dollhouse." And Patrick Bateman has to return some videotapes. When we see the actual dollhouse, it's not as much a dollhouse as it is a strange sort of small plastic castle. Good job by the editors for framing out the bones strewn about the floor and the fingernail marks on the wall. Meanwhile, Carlton lets out barrages of maniacal laughter, spraying a hose around her lawn, which, to be honest, I'm surprised is grass and not just a smooth expanse of black latex.
7) Carey: Cartlon got a tattoo of a pentagram on the back of her neck with the words "Blessed be", and then the names of her three children, Destini, Mysteri, and Cross, circling the symbol. Her creepy-handsome hub, David, comes in after she gets it and is like "Yeaaaaaaaaaah that's hawwwwwt" in his Long Island accent. Destini, Mysteri, Cross: I feel for you babes! Sorry about that!
8) Eli: In line with Carlton's whole Spencer's Gifts Badass vibe, she starts talking about how "Most people disapprove of tattoos, but those people can kiss my ass." (paraphrased) Um, Carlton, I hate to take the jelly out of your pentagram-shaped donut, but nobody really cares about tattoos anymore. 40% of people ages 27-40 have a tattoo, which is almost in coin-flip territory. In 25 years, we'll probably have a Supreme Court justice with Speedy Gonzales tattooed on his or her asscheek. I doubt you'll get judged that unfavorably.
9) Eli: I take it all back. Carlton's giant pentagram tattoo on the back of the neck is still definitely in "pariah of the public pool" territory. I admit it, Carl-Carl. I would judge you if I saw that tattoo. It looks like the graphic from a limited edition Monster energy drink
10) The greatest thing to ever happen on Real Housewives happened last night. Well, not the greatest, but almost the greatest. JAMIE. LEE. CURTIS. Jamie Lee Curtis. Jamie Lee Curtis was on the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. I can't believe I just typed those words out. Kyle's fashion show at Kyle by Alene Too is a charity event for the Children's Hospital of Los Angeles. By the way, I still can't wrap my head around "by Alene Too", it's basically like a ghostwritten celebrity memoir or cookbook. Anyway, Jamie Lee Curtis (who now only goes by Jamie Curtis) is one of the heads of this committee of rich celebrities who give lots of money to the hospital. That's nice. Kyle and Mauricio get inducted into this Illuminati-sounding board because they gave $100,000 to the hospital. "Along with my friends Melanie Griffith and Antonio," Jamie mentions. Jamie and Kyle reminisce about their time together filming the ETERNAL classic Halloween. It was kind of cute seeing Kyle talk to Jamie like an excited little sister. I just wish Christopher Guest had been there, too.