1. Most Likely to be the Fashion World's "Best Dressed" of the Night But Confuse Everyone Else: 12 Years a Slave's Lupita Nyong'o, fashion's favorite new red carpet star and "Best Supporting Actress" nominee.
2. Man Most Likely to Whisper Into Sandy Bullock's Ear Multiple Time In the Evening and Shout Something at Tom Hanks on Stage: George Clooney. Duh.
3. Related: Nominee Most Likely to Show Up Shirtless, Wearing Only a Red Scarf Around His Neck: Edward Sharpe & the Magnetic Zeros frontman Alex Ebert, who's nominated for "Best Original Score - Motion Picture" for All Is Lost.
4. Show That's Mostly Likely to Win For 'Best TV Series, Musical or Comedy' Because the Hollywood Foreign Press Loves to Torture Us: Modern Family, which will probably beat out Parks and Recreation, Brooklyn 99 and Girls.
5. Person Who We're Sure Is a Perfectly Wonderful Human Being But Will Most Likely Not Win For 'Performance By an Actor In a Television Series - Musical or Comedy,' Because COME ON, IT'S TIME TO LET SOMEONE ELSE HAVE A TURN ON THE SWINGSET: Jim Parsons for the Big Bang Theory.
6. Nominee Most Likely to Have a Sally 'They Really Like Me" Fields Moment: Bruce Dern who's nominated for "Best Actor" for his role in Nebraska. At 77-years-old it's Dern's first Globe nod despite a successful career.
7. "Rivalry" That Will Most Likely End (We Hope) In a Kiss When One of Them Wins: Matt Damon and Michael Douglas'. Both actors have been nominated for "Best Actor in a Mini-Series or TV Movie" for Behind the Candelabra, which was so, so great and should win all the awards goddammit.
8. Biggest Movie Star Who Pretends She Doesn't Care About Being a Movie Star and Just Wants to Paddle Board into the Sunset in Hawaii on the Reg But Will Totally Be Like, "I'm Back, Bitches!" When She Wins: Julia Roberts, who's nominated for "Best Supporting Actress" for August: Osage County.
9. Most Obnoxious Cut-Away of Celebrities Table-Hopping to Be Shown During the First Commercial Break: Bono and George Clooney, huddling around the Wolf of Wall Street Table, glad-handing with Leonardo and Marty.
10. Question to Be Repeated Most at Your Golden Globes Party: What's Orphan Black?
11. Celebrity You Will Forgot Was In a Movie This Year: Justin Timberlake, who has like 5 minutes of screen time in Inside Llewyn Davis. (Timberlake also has a songwriting credit for Inside Llewyn Davis' "Please Mr. Kennedy," nominated for Best Original Song - Motion Picture.)
12. Celebrity Who Will Not Bring His Inappropriate Girlfriend to the Golden Globes: This is a toss-up between Bradley Cooper, dating 22-year-old Suki Waterhouse, and Joaquin Phoenix, but we're going with Phoenix. He'll come stag and be stone-faced/miserable in every cutaway.