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We've asked Carey O'Donnell, co-author of the very, very funny Twitter account @NotTildaSwinton, to share his 5 thoughts, feelings, hopes and dreams with us after watching the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Join us for a recap, won't you?

Screen Shot 2013-12-17 at 4.50.33 PM.png1. Why is this show focusing so much on Brandi? Aside from the obvious "loose-cannon" character she's playing up when the cameras roll, she is dreadfully unremarkable. Her love affair with vino is quickly becoming unbearable to watch and (presumably) be around. She yells at Joyce some more at the dinner table where we left off from last week, quickly turning her half-opened eyes to Kyle, where she calls her an "asshole", among other things. Her allies (Yo-Yo, Baroness Vandy-poo, and Grand High Witch Carlton) never seem to say "Go to bed, this is out of hand," but rather lovingly shush her. They firmly stick to this belief that Brandi is not a drunken sociopath, but just honest. She's just honest! You know? H-O-N-E-S-T!

Screen Shot 2013-12-17 at 5.14.51 PM.pngThe women hoist her around the grounds of the resort house after dinner, half-heartedly yelling, "Staaaaaap" as she downs a bottle of white wine, all while smiling. It must make them happy to see her clank and stumble around. "Do that dance again," they yell, throwing pennies and bread crust at her. Brandi even starts in with Lisa at one point, as she stares off down the long driveway of the house, telling Vandy-poo that she's always "strategizing", and manipulative (which, is actually very true). At dinner, there were these amazing, quick shots of Kim looking at Brandi from across the table with wide, terrified eyes. 'Oh, hell,' Kim thought, relieved it's not herself this time. Brandi could only dream of coming off like Kim did when wasted on camera. Sry, bb!

Screen Shot 2013-12-17 at 5.03.10 PM.png2. My favorite part of the episode was after the dinner table scuffle, when Kyle runs off to go cry in the bathroom. Team Brandi had begun unfairly bringing up the Mauricio cheating rumors to show how Kyle's defensiveness against Brandi's drunken verbal assault was pointless. "You've got bigger fish to fry," Yo-Yo the Lemon Empress said with her typical, squinty-eyed blankness. After finding her in the bathroom later, Yolanda ends up comforting Kyle, wrapping her amazonian frame around Paris Hilton's aunt as she sobs. "There, there," Yolanda says, "Oh, Kaaaal! Kaaaal" she coos, muffled in Kyle's shoulder. But the GREATEST is how she begins to very quietly say, mid-embrace, "Oh, Kaaal, I know. You have so many problems, Kaaal. Much bigger than mine. It must be so hard, Kaaal!" Ahhhhh hahahaha!!! BOLD, Yo-Yo! She's able to pull off vicious insults, IN AN EMBRACE, while sounding like she's on the farm in Holland, comforting an injured faun.

Screen Shot 2013-12-17 at 5.08.39 PM.png3. The next day, the ladies head up a nearby mountain to drink infused water at a picnic table and pretend-make amends with each other. "We all piled onto this flying contraption that took us up the mountain!" Kyle narrates in her confessional interview. Flying contraption. It's a fucking gondola, Kyle. It's a big ski lift with walls and a roof. "Flying contraption" reminds me of when I catered at a prohibition-themed party a few weeks ago, and they had hired actors to walk around in "Gatsby" attire. I walked past two of them who were standing by the buffet line, next to a tray with beet salad on it. They had apparently decided to "stay in character" even when talking amongst themselves, because I heard the actress point to the beet salad and say, "Ooh! Look at that red cake!"

Screen Shot 2013-12-17 at 5.11.14 PM.png4. Carlton and Kim bonded over some squirrels they saw when they were at the concession stand at the top of the mountain. "I love em! I love em! I love em!" Kim says, clapping her hands in her confessional. At the picnic table, Yolanda has warmly invited Sisters Richards and Hoyce to come to a dinner party at her husband's house. "We always end up around the piano in our house," Yolanda adds. Kim then sees the squirrels, and is like, "Paaaaaaayce," and all but leaps away from the table. I don't blame Kim for chasing the squirrels. I would probably leap off the mountain if I heard someone say, "We always end up around the piano in our house." Carlton comes and sits with Kim, who is sort of muttering to herself, her eyes fixated on the small rodents. "I love animals," Carlton says, "I wish we could keep some." Then Kim says, "I have a purse..." and is actually serious. 'I can give you all the squirrels you'd ever want,' Carlton thinks. Kim hears this, or thinks she does, and cocks her head back, flaring her nostrils like she smells something strange. 'Come with me, Kim, and I'll let you sleep forever,' Carlton thinks. Kim looks above, directly into the sun, trying to find where these words are coming from. 'Goddamn squirrels,' Kim thinks.

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5. It's very sad that Brandi's dog, Chica, went missing after her house was broken into. But I think the line "We can't find Chica," that Brandi's sobbing assistant says on the phone needs to be sewn into every American flag from this day forward.






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