on the front lines of cultural chaos since 1984.
We've asked Eli Yudin and Carey O'Donnell, authors of the very, very funny Twitter account @NotTildaSwinton, to share their thoughts, feelings, hopes and dreams with us after watching the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills every week. Join us for a recap, won't you?

Screen-Shot-2013-12-10-at-5.06.04-PM.jpg1. Poor, poor Joyce! Our Lady of Puerto Rico has decided to spiritually wound herself by organizing a ladies trip to Palm Springs. Doesn't she know you CAN'T bring these women to the desert? Kim learned that last year, when she groggily put together a trip to Ojai. Joyce's German, big peened, Hollywood producer husband, Michael, rented out the place for his wife and the crow-people she's since been acquainted with for the weekend. She's so excited! Watching her try on outfits for the trip made you want to scream, "No, Joyce! No!" Every decision Joyce makes, including arriving at the main resort house first with Sisters Richards, and claiming three out of the four bedrooms, is a strike against her in the half-closed eyes of Brandi, as well as Grand High Witch Carlton, Charlatan Vanderpump and Milkmaid Yo-Yo. "I promise to give her another chance," Brandi tells Carlton on the ride up. We're not sure what exactly Joyce did that rubbed Brandi the wrong way, aside from being stunningly beautiful and naively kind and having a husband who loves her.

2. Brandi reveals herself to be the true, leggy can of garbage water that she is in the first day/night of this soon-to-be disastrous trip. She begins drinking the minute she arrives. Down in the pool, Carlton and Brandi clank around, showing off their ribs. Brand shrieks over at the other women, especially Joyce, to come swim. She then "accidentally" calls Joyce "Jacqueline" from across the pool. Joyce sort of grits her teeth in a weird, forced smile, and says, "I'm Joyce, sweetie." After berating her to be a good host and come into the water, Brandi then changes her mind and tells Joyce/Jacqueline that she shouldn't go in the pool because she'll sink because she's black (Puerto Rican). Brandi, you dumb, terrible asshole. At dinner Brandi, four or more glasses of wine in, tells Joyce that she likes calling her Jacqueline more because Joyce sounds like a "fat, old lady" name. Lisa laughs from across the table, braying, "Don't SAYYYY that!" Then Brandi calls her "Hoy-see" in a bad Spanish accent. Joyce mentions how she was bullied in high school with that same nickname, and then Lisa and Yolanda scold Joyce for talking about being bullied, Carlton watching silently. Later, Joyce awkwardly brings up that she's going to be starring in a show called "Siberia", which, is about being in Siberia. No one listens. Kyle half-heartedly asks Joyce what her movie is about, but it's clear that she couldn't give a fuck. All this time, Kim was staring out the dining room window, watching two little girls pantomiming on the patio.
 Screen-Shot-2013-12-10-at-5.05.03-PM.jpgScreen-Shot-2013-12-10-at-5.05.16-PM.jpg3. Kyle and Carlton get to have their first one-on-one interaction since Carlton remembered they are both reincarnated enemies from warring witch covens. Kyle asks Carlton to meet her for some pre-Palm Springs shopping, and she arrives in her workout clothes, bewildered and barely saying hello to Paris Hilton's aunt. Then the sales associate who looks like a hipster Ricki Lake begins complimenting how small Kyle's rear-end looks, and how tiny she's gotten. The more praise hipster Ricki Lake gives Kyle, the farther Carlton retreats to the exit. It's like watching a hornet being repelled after a can of Raid took over a hot attic. Carlton then lists off all the things she felt Kyle said and did that wronged her, all of which were silly and mostly without malice. Kyle owns up to it though, and apologizes to Carlton to save face (and her soul). Their uneasy truce is immediately shattered later, when Carlton yells at Kyle after she jokingly says, "Quit peer pressuring Joyce to come in the pool!" to Brandi. 'Remember me, child, remember.' Carlton thinks as Kyle stares at her from the across the pool, she grins slightly. Kyle sees that same grin and remembers it from somewhere, some time, long ago.

Screen-Shot-2013-12-10-at-5.12.53-PM.jpgScreen-Shot-2013-12-10-at-5.21.02-PM.jpg4. Kim has been owning this season with her seemingly endless, semi-coherent interview confessional quips, even more so than previous seasons. The greatest thing she's said to date, even better than "I'm a marlin fisher" or "I'm an Arabian horse," is when she remarks on Carlton explaining her Wicca religion. We see Kim on her lounge chair, her eyes fluctuating between wide and droopy, listening to the charred witch in the pool. "I don't know about her Wicca," Kim says, raspy and suspicious in an interview. I don't know about her Wicca. I'm going to whisper that to a person sitting next to me on the subway this week.

Screen-Shot-2013-12-10-at-5.20.47-PM.jpg5. Can we all agree that this show would be infinitely better if each episode was only about Kim Richards shopping at a luggage store?