The biggest thing to hit pop culture this week is clearly Miley Cyrus's at-times-mediocre, at-times-awesome record Bangerz. Some critics say she's surly, some say she's crass, some say she has an insane haircut. Which, weirdly enough, brings to mind pirates, who are getting their own pop culture moment this week in the form of America's once-sweetheart-turned-grandpa Tom Hanks' new movie Captain Phillips. So in this week's Five 'n' Five, I present the five best songs from Miley's record alongside five truly awesome pop culture pirates.
1. The Dread Pirate Roberts - "On My Own" - Miley Cyrus
Before Mandy Patinkin was talking Claire Danes off the ledge on a weekly basis in Homeland, he was throwing around the greatest tag line in fairy tale history as Inigo Montoya in The Princess Bride. His feelings about his mortal enemy, The Dread Pirate Roberts (played by an uber-hot pre-Men in Tights Cary Elwes), are not unlike those expressed by Cyrus in this Beth Ditto-esque B-side.
Bonus: "Dread Pirate Roberts" is the pseudonym currently being used by the founder of Silk Road, the internet's biggest black market crime resource.
2. Captain Jack Sparrow - "We Can't Stop" - Miley Cyrus
One day, a Claire's exploded and the result was Johnny Depp in the Pirates of the Caribbean films. If there is a way to wear a scarf (as a headband! as a belt!) Jack Sparrow is doing it and doing it all at the same time. "We Can't Stop" could have been a working title for Sparrow's autobiography about his addiction to over-accessorizing.
Other options: "When Layering Goes Wrong" and "Before You Leave the House Look in the Mirror and Add Six Rings."
3. One Eyed Willie - "Adore You" - Miley Cyrus
Goonies: the timeless tale of a boy's love affair with a deceased, one-eyed pirate. Martha Plimpton plays the role of the feminist best friend. Josh Brolin plays the role of the heartthrob. Netflix that shit.
4. Long John Silver - "4 x 4" - Miley Cyrus
Before Long John Silver was the name of fast food chain based in the Midwest and South, it was the name of a character from Treasure Island who actually created many of the pirate "stereotypes" we know and love today -- the peg-leg, the pet parrot, etc. Before Nelly killed on this awesome Pharrell-produced genre-blending jam, he was, well, Nelly, the rapper from the Midwest and South who created many of the country hip-hop stereotypes we know and love -- the bandaid over eye, the crew featuring a guy in a Phantom of the Opera mask, etc.
5. Captain Hook - "Wrecking Ball" - Miley Cyrus
"Wrecking Ball," the best song on Bangerz, is paired with Captain Hook simply because the hook on this song is killer and unparalleled on the radio right now. Say what you will about the phenomenon that is Miley Cyrus, but this song is a perfectly written, concise and beautiful tear-jerker and she sings the hell out of it.