You might know comedian and actress Nicole Byer from her work with the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater in both New York and L.A, or as a scene-stealing talking head on MTV's smart and dishy girl-talk show, Girl Code. PAPER, however, fell in love with her on Twitter, where she regularly tweets about the absurdity of L.A. life and the joys of being single. A sample gem: "All I'm looking for is a man to take me curtain shopping and then fuck me. That's what a relationship is right?" Ms. Byer, we bow to you.
Describe what you do in 3 words.
Film funny shit.
What are you working on now?
Season two of MTV's Girl Code and auditioning a lot.
Describe living in L.A. in 3 words.
Hard, exciting, breezy.
When you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up?
I wanted to be an illustrator for children's books. Then I realized art is hard. Later in high school I decided I wanted to act -- a Broadway starlet who cannot sing or dance well.
If you got to take over MOCA, what would your first exhibition be?
Oh, probably a bunch of selfies. Or like really cool conceptual stuff that makes people wonder if it's art or just trash that's been moved inside.
What was your first day like living in L.A.?
New Jersey-born and raised, my first day in L.A. was a lot of crying. Driving was hard, sleeping on my friends couch was hard -- literally, leaving all my friends in New York was hard. I hate change.
What's the biggest misconception about L.A.?
The biggest misconception about L.A. is when people tell you about L.A.-living, or you watch a show about L.A., you think they're lying because the weather is nice all the time and everyone is laid-back. Everyone hating traffic is a common ground that you can bitch about because it fucking blows, and eople are so nice to each other because everyone who is no one could possibly be a someone. People are flaky but no one really cares. The people are beautiful because they are the daughter/son of someone or they're the hottest person from their shitty town in Idaho. You will drive two blocks when you could walk. There are porn stars at the gym and they look just as barely lucid in person. You will eat kale, you will drink some healthy juice that people swear will make your cellulite disappear. You will go on hikes. You'll stop ogling famous people because they're always there. High schools really are outside -- everything is outside. Apartments don't have roofs in the lobbies and malls have no roofs because it never rains. Or maybe the biggest misconception about L.A. is that it's a city. It is, but not in the same sense as NYC or Chicago. It's like a laid-back suburban city.
Where's your favorite place to eat in L.A.?
Masa of Echo Park or Alcove.
Whose sex scandal is more embarrassing -- Anthony Weiner's or Arnold Schwarzenegger's?
Fucking the maid is pretty intense and badass. Also, she wasn't super hot, so I'd like to think that was one for the underdogs. So I have to say Anthony Weiner's dick pics are pretty embarrassing. You can't fuck some girls in person? You get off just sending picture of your dick to people? Gross, stop it. I doubt anyone is rubbing one out to your weird old dick.
Who's the most beautiful person you can think of and why?
My mother. She is such a fucking lady. Every picture I have of her just emulates and screams beauty. My mother was such a funny woman who marched to the beat of a drum somewhere. She made me believe that being smart and interesting is way better than being some basic bitch.
What's the most touristy L.A. thing you've ever done?
I've been trying to save money, so I haven't done like real L.A. things, but hiking to the Hollywood sign is one. I think its worth it. Its pretty impressive up-close ish.
What's your best celebrity run-in story?
I was in a Rite Aid when I first moved here, around Novemberish, and I was trying to get in line to pay and fell into a Christmas tree display. None other than Shia LaBeouf helped me out of it. He was holding a Starbucks cup with the name 'Tommy' on it. It made me laugh that a Starbucks employee put the quotes around his fake name just to be like, 'Yo, Shia, I know what's up.'
If you could be any star from Old Hollywood, who would you be and why?
Probably Lucille Ball. She was just a rare gem who was beautiful and funny and a smart motherfucker. I can watch I Love Lucy now and laugh like I've just seen it for the first time. Or maybe Joan Crawford -- what a powerful bitch in every sense of that being a good and bad thing.
What's your favorite street intersection in L.A.?
Probably where Hollywood meets Sunset and 10 other streets. Its confusing and I always fuck it up.
Necklace: Kirks Folly
Stylist: Natasha Newman-Thomas
Hair: Sylvia Wheeler
Makeup: Ren Bray