We don't know if you've heard (just kidding, obviously you've heard) that Justin Bieber seems to be having a mental breakdown of sorts. Between fighting with the paparazzi, an emergency trip to the hospital, wearing gas masks around London and canceling concerts, it seems like Biebs is going a little bonkers. Hopefully he'll snap out of it, since it seems a little too early for a full blown "fall from grace" child star meltdown. John Darnielle of the Mountain Goats seems to be on board with this. This little ditty which he posted yesterday -- about not being an asshole about Bieber -- is like his own little "Leave Britney Alone!" video (but, you know, better). In keeping with his words of support, we asked for more advice for Bieber from some of Paper's favorite people.
AndrewAndrew, iPad DJs, Girls guest stars and theater addicts:
Go big or stay home! Get full-on-crazy! You already look like a lady body builder in hammer pants on a tirade, embrace your you-ness! Drop a cover of Grace Jones's "Pull Up To The Bumper" in German on cassingle! Collaborate with John Galliano on a line of floral print bullet-proof vests for Walmart! Start wearing kilts and be the first male celeb to flash your junk getting out of your mini-cooper stretch limo! Have an affair with James Franco! We have two words for you: YO! LO!
Michael Musto, Columnist and writer of "The Daily Musto":
Justin needs to come out as a middle-aged lesbian and then all his angst will be gone!
Lady Bunny, Drag Legend:
Since I don't care for [Justin Bieber's] music or the work of other bland, formulaic "superstars," I actually think that the anyone who isn't a teenage girl who follows him and is concerned about his mental health may need a psychiatric evaluation of their own!
Peter Davis, Editor in Chief of Scene magazine:
The Biebs is going all Brittany bizzaro, hopefully not because of any white powdery substances. The gas masks are very Michael Jackson, the paparazzi fights are vintage Madonna-husband era Sean Penn and canceling concerts is trés Lady Gaga. So Bieber is basically a celebrity mash-up mess. My favorite press stunt he pulled was wearing his pants so low sans shirt that you saw his nice rear-end and his Zac Ephron-esque chest which made us all feel like less of a pedophile gawking at his smooth, young skin. I think Justin should pull a Justin Timberlake and snag a Rolling Stone cover and pose shirtless with a new haircut (the lesbian hairdo references are so passé) and on the inside blame all his cuckoo antics on his bible thumping parents. A new tattoo that reads: "Sorry" in Gothic letters across his chest would also help. He should follow this up with appearances on Oprah and Ellen. His fans will eat it all up like gummy bears.