1.) Holiday in Handcuffs
This yuletide nugget has the casting equivalent of an Altman film. Sabrina the Teenage Witch kidnaps Mario Lopez and makes him pretend to be her fiance while visiting her grandmother and parents. Markie Post, Timothy Bottoms and June Lockhart -- who was the mom on Lassie and Donna Martin's grandma on 90210 -- co-star. Pure magic. And lucky for you, someone has uploaded the entire thing to YouTube.
2.) 12 Men of Christmas
Idaho firefighters pose for a sexy calendar at the behest of bitchy NYC transplant Kristen Chenoweth. Heaven for gays and their mothers.
3.) Comfort and Joy
Jo from Facts of Life stars as a high-powered single business woman who wakes up after crashing her Jaguar to discover she's a married stay-at-home mom. We give it 5 out of 5 "sipping coffee in an over-sized sweater, staring out the kitchen window"s. Dixie Carter and the dad from Sixteen Candles co-star. It's on Lifetime Sunday at 11 a.m.
4.) Santa Baby 2
Reformed sex kitten Jenny McCarthy stars as high-powered NYC business woman whose dad is Santa and who has to take over his business when he retires. It co-stars Paul Sorvino as Santa (a role played by Geroge Wendt in the original Santa Baby -- what happened?) and Dean McDermott (of this) as Luke. You can watch the whole thing on ABCFamily.
5.) A Diva's Christmas Carol
Vanessa Williams stars in the pop diva re-telling of this immortal yuletide tale, just the way that Charles Dickens completely, 100% would have wanted. It's on Saturday at 4 p.m. on the Lifetime Movie Network and at 11 a.m. on Lifetime Christmas day.
6.) The Christmas Consultant
As far as we're concerned nothing says 'holiday' like ANYTHING involving David Hasselhoff. Here he plays a leading 'Christmas consultant' who's been hired to help Sabrina the Teenage Witch's aunt prepare for a massive holiday hootenanny she's got to plan. This debuted to low ratings last month but got a big boost when the Soup devoted an entire segment to the show. And guess what! It's on tonight!
7.) The Christmas Hope
Madeleine Stowe, newly hot (despite monkeying with her beautiful mug) thanks to her role as Victoria Grayson on TV's Revenge, starred in this Lifetime masterpiece from 2009. Stowe is a social worker trying to find homes for some unfortunate little nippers. Costars include James Remar (who was in the Warriors!) and 90210 alum Ian Ziering. It's on Saturday at 4 p.m.
8.) Home by Christmas
You don't even need to know what this Lifetime movie is about. You just need to know it stars Linda Hamilton. Case closed. It's on at 4 p.m. tomorrow on Lifetime Movie Network.
9) Hitched for the Holidays
Basically the same old story of two people pretending to be sweethearts to bamboozle their parents. (This time there's an interfaith twist -- she's Jewish, he's Catholic. It's a big deal.) But this has the bonus of Joey Lawrence wearing skintight clothing through out most of the movie and Marilu Henner. Jackpot.
10.) Naughty or Nice
Some actress named Hilarie Burton plays Krissy Kringle (no relation to Kris Kringle), who mistakenly gets her hands on Santa's Naughty and Nice book. Hilarity ensues. The movie gets bonus points for featuring the original Family Ties parents, Meredith Baxter and Michael Gross, as Krissy's parents. We were sold from the start and so was the LA Times.
11.) Come Dance with Me
Andrew McCarthy is still looking foyne in this Hallmark TV movie. He plays Jack, a finance man who's dating the boss's daughter. He signs up for dance classes to make a splash at the boss's big holiday party and in a shocking plot twist you'll never see coming, he falls for the dance teacher. It's on Lifetime tomorrow night at 9 p.m.
12.) All About Christmas Eve
The plot of this movie, starring Haylie Duff and Connie Sellecca, is too stupid to even bother explaining BUT, holy shit, it costars Stephen Colletti from Laguna Beach. And there's a cameo from Lifetime MVP Patrick Muldoon. It's on Christmas Eve at 6 p.m.
13.) The Real St. Nick
This is about a guy who thinks he's Santa and ends up in a psych ward only to fall in love with his therapist (who is being wooed by an evil doctor with L'Oreal touch-on highlights). It's on Lifetime this Saturday at 10 p.m. and again Christmas night at 8 p.m.
14.) The Merry In-Laws
This is more of an 8 p.m.-10 p.m. time-slot family film but stars George Wendt, who reprises his Santa Baby role as Santa, Shelly Long as Mrs. Claus and a guy. It's on at midnight on Christmas Eve.
15.) The New Year's Eve episode of Designing Women where Dolly Parton stars as a guardian angel.
It might not have been a Christmas episode, but it still makes us feel good to be alive.