Herewith, we put our medicore Photoshop skills to use on some old American Idol stills (we can dream Paula and Simon are still involved) and came up with our shortlist for the next next judge of AI...you know, in case Lil Wayne tells Nicki to drop out or something...
The 80s/90s throwback judge's chair has been getting cold since Paula Abdul vacated it and, admit it, the "Push It" gals would be so much fun! (And, yes, the duo would have to share the one chair, and, yes, Mr. Mickey could fill in for Salt or Pep when necessary...)
2. Riff Raff
If anyone could give hope to the revolving door of insanely dressed (and insanely-acting) contestants, it's this guy.
We're kind of having a hard time justifying this one other than that she'd bring in the "white chicks who rap" demographic -- a criminally-ignored TV viewing audience, as far as we're concerned.
4. The Scissor Sisters' Jake Shears
If we're being honest, half the reason we'd want Shears on AI is so that Scissor Sisters could perform "Let's Have a Kiki" in front of millions of TV viewers. And the show could stand to produce a dance star or two.
5. Courtney Love
Now that Simon and Paula are long gone, we think Courtney Love could offer American Idol a two-in-one deal: she'd tell it like it is better than Simon and be more unpredictable than Paula. Woe is the contestant who does a Foo Fighters cover.
6. Big Freedia
American Idol could liven things up with some sissy bounce action. 'Nuff said.
7. Beth Ditto
We're hoping that after DWTS, she'll get hooked on reality TV and bring her fabulous outfits and fabulous-er persona to the judge's chair. We could see her becoming a nurturing, "den mother" type to all of the contestants and taking everyone for lunch at Subway.
8. JD Samson
On the heels of performing at Occupy Wall Street and organizing a reading in support of Pussy Riot, JD Samson can teach aspiring activist feminist pop singers how to spread a political message or two and also cross over into the lesbian utopia calendar industry.
9. Mykki Blanco
Since it takes a good voice to be a singer but a good persona to be a star, we'd put money behind Mykki to teach all the pop divas-in-training how to werk it in a bra, heels and an octopus plopped on their head.
10. And, finally, Lohanthony
No one -- and we mean no one -- will offer sassier barbs than Lohanthony. Basic bitches don't have a prayer.
What if PAPER Cast the Next Season of Dancing With the Stars?