We are obsessed with longtime F.O.P. (friend of Paper) Judy McGuire's new super-fun tome The Official Book of Sex, Drugs, and Rock 'n' Roll Lists, featuring a slew of her famous musician friends' rock-related (and often quite crass) lists as well as her own. Here, we've selected a few of our favorites, courtesy of Theo Cogan, Cynthia Plaster Caster and Judy, herself! Buy the book here, and you can learn Coco's advice for keeping your rapper boyfriend, former PAPER contributor Steven Blush's list of "11 Completely Fucked Up Hardcore Songs."   

Theo Kogan's 10 Worst Things About Dating a Girl in a Band: This Is a Warning!!!


1. She's always touring, never home.
2. Her band is more important than you are.
3. She's self-/voice-/guitar-/drum-/bass-obsessed.
4. Creepy guys will follow her while she's out on the road.
5. Creepy girls will follow her while she's out on the road.
6. She might break up with you while she's out on the road.
7. She might be sleeping with as many people as the dudes in bands do while they're out on the road.
8. She may "lose" her phone.
9. She may come back from tour totally uninterested in you.
10. That guy who picked up her phone at 3 a.m.? He's actually not her drummer, her gay BFF, or her brother.

Theo Kogan is the lead singer of Theo and the Skyscrapers, and was a founding member of the notorious Lunachicks and recently started a beauty line called Armour Beauty.


Cynthia Plaster Caster's 8 Most Interesting Cocks in Rock

1. Wayne Kramer
Poor Wayne Kramer, everyone who's seen it thinks he has a small penis, but he only got the head of his dick in there. He was up against the wall of hard alginate [the stuff dental molds are made from]. But he doesn't have a small dick at all.
2. Jimi Hendrix
Now that was an unbelievable night... he was really mellow and groovy. "Come on up to the hotel and let's do it." We couldn't believe we were riding in an elevator with the band instead of climbing the fire escape. It was one of my first castings and so because of that I didn't know how to lubricate his pubes. So once it cast, he was stuck in it. Jimi Hendrix wearing nothing but his guacho hat and some kind of panne velvet top... It took me fifteen minutes to pull his pubes out. I let it sit for three days. When I finally took it out, it was in three pieces: head, shaft, and balls. I stuck it together with Elmer's glue.
3. Aynsley Dunbar (drummer for Frank Zappa, John Mayall, Jefferson Starship and many others)
He wouldn't dip unless he felt he was up to full capability. I wasted about three or four different molds waiting for him to get here. He may have finally penetrated on try number four.
4. David Yow (Jesus Lizard)
He was up to such full capability that we couldn't get him out of the mold! The head just wouldn't shrink.
5. Momus
Rumored to have the biggest cock in Britain, he could never get hard enough to get a good mold. So we had to work with what we had.
6. Clint Poppie/Clint Mansell (from Pop Will Eat Itself)
His came out twisted, like a pig's tail. The hardening alginate pushes down the penis -- which is why so many of them look shorter than they were. When you have a long, curved dick, it gets pushed down in a circular pattern. I love when it happens. He didn't like it, though.
7. Chris Connelly (Revolting Cocks)
Chris is anything but revolting; he's a real sweetheart and beautifully endowed. His cock was like the Bermuda Triangle, though. On three different occasions the mold failed. It got to the point where his girlfriend thought I was doing it on purpose so I could see more of his dick.
8. Lawrence Barraclough
Not a musician, but he was the smallest -- it was like a thimble. He made a documentary about living with a very small penis, called "My Penis and Everyone Else's."

Cynthia Plaster Caster is a recovering groupie and former Chicago mayoral candidate who makes plaster casts of penises and breasts.  www.cynthiaplastercaster.com.

8 Lame Rock Star Tweets

Not only has Twitter taken the mystery out of celebrity, it's also acting as a crush crusher. Even worse than John Cusack's atrocious spelling are Slash's tweets about scented candles. Shouldn't he be talking about banging groupies, or at the very least -- guitars? Here are eight rockers who should step away from the computer.

1. @NikkiSixx
Has anybody else ever had people that they are following just disappear and then reappear on twitter? It used to happen on myspace to me...
2. @MrTommyLand (Tommy Lee)
Is it wrong that my girl and I give each other full poop reports when we exit the bathroom?
3. @bretmichaels
RT @bretmichaels they don't sell your snapple in Canada.
4. @freddurst
"There's a good feeling to be had from sharing" -- Linus
5. @travisbarker
Just took my little girl to ballet. #KIDSARESORAD
6. @Mr.VinceNeil
Locked himself outta the house and now has to call a goddamn locksmith #mylifesux
7. @Slash
Check out www.kaifragrence.com they make killer smelling candles, air fresheners & other aromatic house stuff. They're amazing! Iii|;)'
8. @thisisrobthomas (Rob Thomas, Matchbox 20)
I do believe that PARENTHOOD is one of the best shows on tv.