Forget friends and family -- all we need for an awards show these days is our laptop, our iPhone, our iPad and a bottle of Jack Daniels. Join us tonight, as we live-blog and Tweet the Golden Globes. Will Ricky Gervais be too mean? Will Bridesmaids win big? Will Miss Golden Globe 2012, Andee MacDowell's daughter Rainey Qualley, look pretty? Will Angelina Jolie apply lip gloss while on camera? Stay tuned!
7:59 Testing, testing, 1-2-3, testing.
8:01 p.m. 'The Golden Globes are to the Oscars, as Kim Kardashian is to Kate Middleton.' Annnd Ricky Gervais is outta the gates.
8:02 "When the man who says yes to Norbit says no to you, you know you're in trouble." Gervais on Eddie Murphy backing out of the Oscars.
8:02 Whoa, Amy Poehler is not amused. Such a stink face!
8:06 Gervais is noticeably more polite so far!
8:07 Dueling douche suits: Johnny Depp and Ricky Gervais.
8:10 Woo! Go Christopher Plummer for best supporting actor in Beginners! Loved him in that role so much.
8:11 Christopher Plummer was in The Sound of Music. Just saying.
8:15 Laura Dern wins best actress in a comedy. Amy Poehler robbed!
8:16 Gosh DERN IT.
8:22 Ooh, get it Downton Abbey! D.A. wins for best mini-series. #MISTAHBANKS
8:24 Kate Winslet wins for best actress in a mini-series for Mildred Pierce. Love her with wavy blond hair! Josh Brolin looks like he's going to go ape-shit. Admittedly, Diane Lane was superb in Cinema Verite.
8:33 Jeremy Irons strangely massaging the arm of woman from the Hollywood Foreign Press. What is he doing??
8:36 Kelsey Grammer wins best actor in a drama series for Boss, a show not one person has ever watched.
8:38 Homeland wins for best drama. Claire Danes dress is so awesome. Black and white looks almost never fail.
8:45 The Artist wins for best song. Guy who accepts is so French.
8:50 Madonna wins best original song for W/E. Her dress is suuuuper tight up-top. Why would she do that to her boobs?
9 p.m. Idris Elba wins for best actor in a mini-series for Luther against Dominic West for The Hour, congratulates him ----> Wire vs. Wire, Wire beats Wire, Wire hugs Wire.
9:02 Michelle Williams wins for My Week with Marilyn. Lovely speech to her daughter. Want to put her in our pocket.
9:09 Peter Dinklage wins for best supporting actor in a TV series for Game of Thrones. He has a real head of hair on him.
9:15 Adventures of Tin-Tin wins for best animated film. Cars 2 looks so fat in that dress.
9:23 Jessica Lange wins best supporting actress in a TV series for American Horror Story. There's an easy joke in there somewhere about Lange's freaky, oddly-shaped dress, but we do not comment on the bodies and dresses of older female stars unless absolutely necessary. Madonna.
9:32 Madonna just gave it to Ricky Gervais: "Why don't you come out here, Ricky? It's been a while since I kissed a girl."
9:33 A Separation wins for best foreign film.
9:37 Claire Danes wins for Homeland, DOESN'T CRY during acceptance speech. So disappointed. She's the best crier in the game and we get nothing. Not even a quivering bottom lip.
9:45 Matt LeBlanc wins for best actor in a TV series for Episodes. He seems like a nice dude. (But, also, he was previously nominated for *Joey*? Really?)
9:48 Octavia Spencer wins best-supporting actress in a drama for the Help. Everyone goes nuts for her in the audience. Melissa McCarthy crying...we're about to too.
9:57 Best tweet of the night goes to@outmagazine "Sidney. Poitier. Knows. The. Power. Of. A. Pause. #GoldenGlobes"
10:03 Love that they showed Morgan Freeman as god right after Helen Mirren's voice-over in the Globes' tribute montage said, "and characters we've come to love." So true. Good old God!
10:13 Martin Scorcese wins best director for Hugo. He's only like the next Martin Scor-seez. #SINGLESQUOTEBREAK
10:16 GERVAIS FINALLY GETS A BLEEP.
10:18 Modern Family wins for best comedy. Sofia Vergara makes us regret not taking another three years of Spanish in college.
10:26 Woo, Jean DuJardin wins for The Artist. We love his giant face! http://www.papermag.com/arts_and_style/2011/11/jean-dujardin-the-artist.php
10:34: Ricky Gervais gets some points for his Colin-Firth-is-a-racist joke
10:38 Meryl Streep: "I'd like to thank God: Harvey Weinstein." Also, WHY DIDN'T ANYONE GIVE HER HER GLASSES?
10:40 The Artist wins best picture. Adorable dog from the movie now doing adorable tricks on stage. Barely breathing, heart about to explode.
10:41 So does this mean Bridesmaids won NOTHING? Unacceptable.
10:49 George Clooney wins best actor for the Descendants. "I'd like to thank Michael Fassbender for taking over the 'Full Frontal Male Nudity' category for me."
10:55 The Descendants wins best drama. Sit down, Stacy Keibler.
10:59 And we're out.
7:59 Testing, testing, 1-2-3, testing.
8:01 p.m. 'The Golden Globes are to the Oscars, as Kim Kardashian is to Kate Middleton.' Annnd Ricky Gervais is outta the gates.
8:02 "When the man who says yes to Norbit says no to you, you know you're in trouble." Gervais on Eddie Murphy backing out of the Oscars.
8:02 Whoa, Amy Poehler is not amused. Such a stink face!
8:06 Gervais is noticeably more polite so far!
8:07 Dueling douche suits: Johnny Depp and Ricky Gervais.
8:10 Woo! Go Christopher Plummer for best supporting actor in Beginners! Loved him in that role so much.
8:11 Christopher Plummer was in The Sound of Music. Just saying.
8:15 Laura Dern wins best actress in a comedy. Amy Poehler robbed!
8:16 Gosh DERN IT.
8:22 Ooh, get it Downton Abbey! D.A. wins for best mini-series. #MISTAHBANKS
8:24 Kate Winslet wins for best actress in a mini-series for Mildred Pierce. Love her with wavy blond hair! Josh Brolin looks like he's going to go ape-shit. Admittedly, Diane Lane was superb in Cinema Verite.
8:33 Jeremy Irons strangely massaging the arm of woman from the Hollywood Foreign Press. What is he doing??
8:36 Kelsey Grammer wins best actor in a drama series for Boss, a show not one person has ever watched.
8:38 Homeland wins for best drama. Claire Danes dress is so awesome. Black and white looks almost never fail.
8:45 The Artist wins for best song. Guy who accepts is so French.
8:50 Madonna wins best original song for W/E. Her dress is suuuuper tight up-top. Why would she do that to her boobs?
9 p.m. Idris Elba wins for best actor in a mini-series for Luther against Dominic West for The Hour, congratulates him ----> Wire vs. Wire, Wire beats Wire, Wire hugs Wire.
9:02 Michelle Williams wins for My Week with Marilyn. Lovely speech to her daughter. Want to put her in our pocket.
9:09 Peter Dinklage wins for best supporting actor in a TV series for Game of Thrones. He has a real head of hair on him.
9:15 Adventures of Tin-Tin wins for best animated film. Cars 2 looks so fat in that dress.
9:23 Jessica Lange wins best supporting actress in a TV series for American Horror Story. There's an easy joke in there somewhere about Lange's freaky, oddly-shaped dress, but we do not comment on the bodies and dresses of older female stars unless absolutely necessary. Madonna.
9:32 Madonna just gave it to Ricky Gervais: "Why don't you come out here, Ricky? It's been a while since I kissed a girl."
9:33 A Separation wins for best foreign film.
9:37 Claire Danes wins for Homeland, DOESN'T CRY during acceptance speech. So disappointed. She's the best crier in the game and we get nothing. Not even a quivering bottom lip.
9:45 Matt LeBlanc wins for best actor in a TV series for Episodes. He seems like a nice dude. (But, also, he was previously nominated for *Joey*? Really?)
9:48 Octavia Spencer wins best-supporting actress in a drama for the Help. Everyone goes nuts for her in the audience. Melissa McCarthy crying...we're about to too.
9:57 Best tweet of the night goes to
10:03 Love that they showed Morgan Freeman as god right after Helen Mirren's voice-over in the Globes' tribute montage said, "and characters we've come to love." So true. Good old God!
10:13 Martin Scorcese wins best director for Hugo. He's only like the next Martin Scor-seez. #SINGLESQUOTEBREAK
10:16 GERVAIS FINALLY GETS A BLEEP.
10:18 Modern Family wins for best comedy. Sofia Vergara makes us regret not taking another three years of Spanish in college.
10:26 Woo, Jean DuJardin wins for The Artist. We love his giant face! http://www.papermag.com/arts_and_style/2011/11/jean-dujardin-the-artist.php
10:34: Ricky Gervais gets some points for his Colin-Firth-is-
10:38 Meryl Streep: "I'd like to thank God: Harvey Weinstein." Also, WHY DIDN'T ANYONE GIVE HER HER GLASSES?
10:40 The Artist wins best picture. Adorable dog from the movie now doing adorable tricks on stage. Barely breathing, heart about to explode.
10:41 So does this mean Bridesmaids won NOTHING? Unacceptable.
10:49 George Clooney wins best actor for the Descendants. "I'd like to thank Michael Fassbender for taking over the 'Full Frontal Male Nudity' category for me."
10:55 The Descendants wins best drama. Sit down, Stacy Keibler.
10:59 And we're out.
