Boy George Presents: Postcards From the Edge of My Bed-lam
By Boy George
[Welcome to Boy George's new blog series for PAPERMAG, in which he'll be writing about anything and everything from time to time. In his first installment, Boy George recounts a sleepless trip to his cousin's wedding in a very strange hotel without coffee or bottled water. It does, however, have cable with great 3 a.m. programming.]
When you travel as much as I do, the comfort of a bed or quality of the pillows are deal-breakers (I like a hard pillow myself.). That said, I couldn't tell you if my bed at the Hillscourt Conference Centre, where I'm staying while I attend my cousin Vanessa's wedding to her fiance Dave, was comfortable or not because I didn't sleep a wink last night. I've been poorly the past few days, dehydration or some minor bug, and have been sleeping for queen and country. Hence my restlessness. But, hey, I'm here for two nights and might yet rave about the splendor of the bed.
The Hillscourt isn't really a proper hotel even if it does have some rooms. Last night in the bar I tried to order a coffee and was told by the waitress, "sorry love, the machine's broken." I was waiting for a "but if you don't mind instant, I'll pop the kettle on," but not a chance. When I requested a bottled water, she looked at me as if I had grown an extra head and pointed me towards a water fountain. In retrospect this was quite thrifty, but what I wanted was a coffee.
Most of my family are also here and more will arrive tomorrow along with the grooms' mob whom we will probably meet for the first and last time. Weddings are funny old things! I just hope Vanessa is happy and that marrying Dave will make her even happier. I feel as though I should have a word with Dave and give him the wealth of my experience, but what I know about successful relationships isn't worth knowing.
My insomnia meant I was forced to watch TV, which is always random at 3 a.m. I caught an episode of Guilty, a faux courtroom scenario where a studio audience plays jury. A teenage girl had put her parents in the dock because of their shameful profession. There's no way on earth you would guess what these two middle-aged (ahem!) people did, but lord-a-mercy they were both strip-o-grams. That's right, both mum and dad took their clothes off for coins and had been at it for years. Of course, the aggrieved daughter had been kept in the best designer clothes with the spoils but she now felt her parents were too old for their line of work. I have to admit that dad was an unlikely candidate with his long rock star tresses and Mr. Magoo glasses, but mum was an attractive older woman and both of them clearly loved their jobs. The audience were scathing, calling them "unfit parents" and even suggesting that what they did was close to prostitution! I found myself screaming at the screen when they were found guilty and the daughter was allowed to take a pair of scissors to one of mums saucy nurse's outfits. A travesty of justice.
Next up was a man who was accused of loving his dog more than his wife. The poor wife had lost tons of weight in an effort to compete with the dog but no chance! This guy cuddled up to the dog in bed, fed it with a fork and even allowed it to choose what DVD to watch on nights in. He was a strange-looking thing and I was of the opinion that he had zero interest in bitches, canine or otherwise. The dog was merely an excuse, a way out of a marriage that wasn't working. A guy in the audience said cruelly, "I'd prefer the dog if my wife looked like that." Frankly, I was with the wife all the way: Dogs are cute, but this moron was claiming the dog had a human soul. There was further screaming when the idiot audience found him 'not guilty.' I was livid and quite enjoying my insomnia!
Family Court with Judge Penny was up next. A man formerly named Hugh and now going as Emily was being sued by his ex-wife over something trivial. It was clear, however, she hadn't quite gotten over her hubby being transgender. The wife was seeking revenge when she should have been seeking closure. The couple had two young sons who were brought on to discuss the lack of harmony between mummy and, er, mummy. Judge Penny (who is a goddess) asked Hugh if he would like to also be referred as "mummy" and the wife yelled, "over my dead body is anyone else going to be a mother to my kids." Judge Penny, whose motto is "family comes first," ordered the entire family into therapy and we were told that Emily had been successfully integrated back into the family. It was almost a Disney style ending and how many transsexuals get one of those? I tried to find this episode of Family Court online, but to no avail. Never mind, the most important thing about Family Court is the brilliant Judge Penny and she always has something wise and profound to say!
The wedding was a gorgeous affair. Dave clearly adores Vanessa and this truly warmed my heart. I actually welled-up during the ceremony which was a civil affair since Dave was married before. I actually preferred it to a church wedding which can seem pompous and, frankly, take far too long. One of my new relatives by default said to me, "You were brilliant when you were young" (ex-squeeze me?) while another demanded to know why I wasn't wearing my hat. I told her, "It's not my wedding, love." Why would I attempt to outshine the bride? It would have been tough, anyway, as Vanessa looked flawless in her cream beaded gown. As did her little daughter Masie who looked like a mini Paloma Faith!
Check back in the next few weeks for Boy George's posts about Lady Gaga, Prince, and what's on his recommended reading list. Follow him on twitter at @boygeorge.
When you travel as much as I do, the comfort of a bed or quality of the pillows are deal-breakers (I like a hard pillow myself.). That said, I couldn't tell you if my bed at the Hillscourt Conference Centre, where I'm staying while I attend my cousin Vanessa's wedding to her fiance Dave, was comfortable or not because I didn't sleep a wink last night. I've been poorly the past few days, dehydration or some minor bug, and have been sleeping for queen and country. Hence my restlessness. But, hey, I'm here for two nights and might yet rave about the splendor of the bed.
The Hillscourt isn't really a proper hotel even if it does have some rooms. Last night in the bar I tried to order a coffee and was told by the waitress, "sorry love, the machine's broken." I was waiting for a "but if you don't mind instant, I'll pop the kettle on," but not a chance. When I requested a bottled water, she looked at me as if I had grown an extra head and pointed me towards a water fountain. In retrospect this was quite thrifty, but what I wanted was a coffee.
Most of my family are also here and more will arrive tomorrow along with the grooms' mob whom we will probably meet for the first and last time. Weddings are funny old things! I just hope Vanessa is happy and that marrying Dave will make her even happier. I feel as though I should have a word with Dave and give him the wealth of my experience, but what I know about successful relationships isn't worth knowing.
My insomnia meant I was forced to watch TV, which is always random at 3 a.m. I caught an episode of Guilty, a faux courtroom scenario where a studio audience plays jury. A teenage girl had put her parents in the dock because of their shameful profession. There's no way on earth you would guess what these two middle-aged (ahem!) people did, but lord-a-mercy they were both strip-o-grams. That's right, both mum and dad took their clothes off for coins and had been at it for years. Of course, the aggrieved daughter had been kept in the best designer clothes with the spoils but she now felt her parents were too old for their line of work. I have to admit that dad was an unlikely candidate with his long rock star tresses and Mr. Magoo glasses, but mum was an attractive older woman and both of them clearly loved their jobs. The audience were scathing, calling them "unfit parents" and even suggesting that what they did was close to prostitution! I found myself screaming at the screen when they were found guilty and the daughter was allowed to take a pair of scissors to one of mums saucy nurse's outfits. A travesty of justice.
Next up was a man who was accused of loving his dog more than his wife. The poor wife had lost tons of weight in an effort to compete with the dog but no chance! This guy cuddled up to the dog in bed, fed it with a fork and even allowed it to choose what DVD to watch on nights in. He was a strange-looking thing and I was of the opinion that he had zero interest in bitches, canine or otherwise. The dog was merely an excuse, a way out of a marriage that wasn't working. A guy in the audience said cruelly, "I'd prefer the dog if my wife looked like that." Frankly, I was with the wife all the way: Dogs are cute, but this moron was claiming the dog had a human soul. There was further screaming when the idiot audience found him 'not guilty.' I was livid and quite enjoying my insomnia!
Family Court with Judge Penny was up next. A man formerly named Hugh and now going as Emily was being sued by his ex-wife over something trivial. It was clear, however, she hadn't quite gotten over her hubby being transgender. The wife was seeking revenge when she should have been seeking closure. The couple had two young sons who were brought on to discuss the lack of harmony between mummy and, er, mummy. Judge Penny (who is a goddess) asked Hugh if he would like to also be referred as "mummy" and the wife yelled, "over my dead body is anyone else going to be a mother to my kids." Judge Penny, whose motto is "family comes first," ordered the entire family into therapy and we were told that Emily had been successfully integrated back into the family. It was almost a Disney style ending and how many transsexuals get one of those? I tried to find this episode of Family Court online, but to no avail. Never mind, the most important thing about Family Court is the brilliant Judge Penny and she always has something wise and profound to say!
The wedding was a gorgeous affair. Dave clearly adores Vanessa and this truly warmed my heart. I actually welled-up during the ceremony which was a civil affair since Dave was married before. I actually preferred it to a church wedding which can seem pompous and, frankly, take far too long. One of my new relatives by default said to me, "You were brilliant when you were young" (ex-squeeze me?) while another demanded to know why I wasn't wearing my hat. I told her, "It's not my wedding, love." Why would I attempt to outshine the bride? It would have been tough, anyway, as Vanessa looked flawless in her cream beaded gown. As did her little daughter Masie who looked like a mini Paloma Faith!
Check back in the next few weeks for Boy George's posts about Lady Gaga, Prince, and what's on his recommended reading list. Follow him on twitter at @boygeorge.
Your Comment
Posted at 5:08 on Aug 03, 2010
Hello Boy George! Love you, and love that you're doing a blog for us Yanks. xo
Posted at 5:46 on Aug 03, 2010
bookmarked
Posted at 5:50 on Aug 03, 2010
AMAZING !
Posted at 5:53 on Aug 03, 2010
enjoyed reading this very much !
Posted at 6:03 on Aug 03, 2010
i am so proud that you are part of my family, famous or not.you are a truly special person with special qualities, the only difference is you was at the right place at the right time.so glad you had the chance to shine and prove to the world just how special you are...just like the rest of us, alot to give and alot to gain....you are truly one in a million and are a very special person and dear too lots of people hearts.. more so, your close family and friends, who love you very much.....glad you could share a very very special day with me , my husband, children and YOUR family.... this will be with all of us forever!!!!love you so much.....mr and mrs kellett, children and family lol ....... there is lots of us by the way so there is so many of us to thanks x x x
Posted at 6:47 on Aug 03, 2010
Well written G...I would have seriously died without coffee.....I feel snubbed however, darling...as I have yet to be added on Facebook...YOU DO REMEMBER ME...I shall give you the benefit of the doubt, busy, too many requests....surely you have received my msgs....YOU were so sweet to me years back and I was good to YOU!!!! Add me honey...Still me Favourite BOY...AMY X
Posted at 8:17 on Aug 03, 2010
I am usually awake at stupid o'clock to because of my Fibromyalgia and stupid o'clock telly is the best lol. Loved this looking forward to more insights into the daily life of George :0) xxxJoolsxxx
Posted at 9:24 on Aug 03, 2010
I also love a hard pillow which most of my friends don't understand.
Posted at 6:25 on Aug 04, 2010
I really enjoy reading you, I like your sense of humour and your special way to describe situations .
Looking forward to more stories then ...
Posted at 6:33 on Aug 04, 2010
love this,want more...made my day,luvs ya george xx
Posted at 7:04 on Aug 04, 2010
love it , :) xx
Posted at 9:45 on Aug 04, 2010
We both love hard pillows! :)
I have you book marked!!
I am so looking forward to more from you ...
xoxoxoxoxoxoxox
Chubby Hugs!
Posted at 10:44 on Aug 04, 2010
I love it!! Entertaining to read over a cup of afternoon tea while the kids are tearing (by the sound of it...) down the house!! xoxo
Posted at 11:56 on Aug 04, 2010
HAY ..TE AMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.....................GEORGE.
Posted at 12:49 on Aug 04, 2010
I loved, is interesting know that you're doing. You are a wonderful person.
Estaré esperando su próximo comentario, es agradable verlo con tanta energía y entusiasmo.
Posted at 1:51 on Aug 04, 2010
George, loved your story very much. Can't wait for the next one. I totally agree with Vanessa, you are truly a very special person. Haved adored you since the beginning of your career and have been there ever since. You are truly an amazing and brilliant man. Luv you always..Hugs!!!
Posted at 2:03 on Aug 04, 2010
Hi George That was truely one of the best blogs that I've read in a while. You have a gift, not just your talent as a singer Dj , also as an author . I will continue to follow these blogs of yours. I did start awhile back when you were writing blogs on myspace. Do you still have a page open on Myspace?:) I am following you on Twitter as well, also my vote has been confirmed for you , so good luck Georgie . And one other thing, Thankyou for being you:) loves you. hugs xx.
Posted at 3:17 on Aug 04, 2010
What a great story. Just goes to show, one should always have a jar of instant coffee on hand.
You obviously know a lot about good relationships if you can speak with such sensitivity and humor about Emily and clan.
I alway like reading the things you say about your family. It amazes me how many people don't understand that weddings are about the people getting married, and not some random drama about themselves. So, IMHO, you ought to take Dave out for some coffee!
Posted at 4:36 on Aug 04, 2010
What a great way to end the day reading your own words, George.
Looking forward to more from my shining star! XX
Posted at 5:01 on Aug 04, 2010
I like listening to you, have since I was a kid. So far I only have one of your solo albums though. I am very curious to see what you say about Prince. I adore him. Just curious, are you still a Hare Krishna? By the way, that bed doesn't look very comfortable. You're worthy of much more than that...you need a princess bed with a canopy. Or at least something bright and colorful (like Indian saris) and tons of pillows.
Posted at 7:44 on Aug 04, 2010
A proper Top Hat, Mr. High Hat. In celebration of Same Sex Marriage Rights in San Francisco! In my dreams.... Much love, Baby!
Posted at 1:46 on Aug 05, 2010
lol man ur awesome i love u george
Posted at 6:41 on Aug 05, 2010
Hi George,I come from Germany and I am a big fan of you since I live 5 year ... I am so happy to November because I see you in the lanxessarena :-) I wish you all the best, Patricia
Posted at 8:59 on Aug 05, 2010
love love love much love.
keep it up, it is great.
oh, and please do reveal some naaasty gossiply tidbits about the biz?
- just kidding.
Posted at 12:14 on Aug 06, 2010
love reading you George!
Posted at 10:13 on Aug 07, 2010
I love the way you write - but then I would because you wrote the bestseller, TILAM, one of the most enjoyable books I've ever read.
This is so great that you will be blogging on here.
Posted at 3:01 on Aug 07, 2010
Well that was a nice read.......... Thanks Georgie. I had the pleasure of meeting Vanessa and Dave up in Birmingham a few yrs ago. They looked stunning at the wedding as did the children.xx
Posted at 7:35 on Aug 08, 2010
Brilliant. Love hearing about your views. Looking forward to the next installment.
Posted at 8:35 on Aug 11, 2010
Very nice!
Love you -
Citizen Val
Posted at 8:28 on Aug 25, 2010
hello george! how are you?
Posted at 1:42 on Aug 26, 2010
Boy is SO HUMAN!! You've been like that from the start. You are the best thing since Toast!
THANK YOU~!