Airports are stressful places, travel is no longer a breeze, it takesmore than a cocktail and a smile these days. You needs guts of steel,especially when you are about to board one of those budget airlines.I'm all for cheap and accessible air travel but it's the lack of lovethat gets to me. Traveling on these budget airlines is like going to apound shop and getting a kick in the eye!
We checked in at Gatwickairport around 5 a.m., the young woman at the 'speedy check in' counterwas frosty "can you remove your sunglasses." Of course, it was aperfectly reasonable request but there's a way of asking. I felt likesaying 'no' just to be childish. Well, it's hard to embody the light atthat hour of the morning! Thankfully, most people struggle to "embodythe light" or even a grain of humanity at 5 a.m so I wasn't alone. I'm sonot a morning person. I must work on that!
The next stage of travel(security) is always the worst. I'm grateful that there are strident security checks but why can't it be done with a smile and why dopeople insist on wearing belts, watches and heaps of jewellery? Itwould be much easier if everyone wore stretch pants, flat shoes andkept it simple. I bet the African lady in front of me wished shehad chosen a different pair of shoes. she protested in vain when shewas asked to remove them. 'I am in bare feet, "I just cannot walk inbare feet", she complained. "Madame, please remove your shoes," she wastold again while everyone in the queue rolled their eyes and shuffledon the spot. Eventually she was told to "just go through" but when sheattempted to walk through the metal detector she was again asked toremove her shoes. She was last seen rustling a pair of blue plasticsocks in disgust.
The Easy Jet flight to Ibizawasn't full thank heavens and the crew were really friendly and sweet.I have to say that Easy Jet are the best of the budget airlines but youstill have to put up with a lot of hostility before you get onto theflight. I guess pre-boarding is where most of the drama occurs becauseof all the surprise hidden charges they throw at you if you forget toread the small print. The check in staff must get so much abuse andthat must be why so many of them are so moody and defensive? Anyway,the flight was direct and got us to Ibiza early enough to spend most of the day relaxing and that's why we are here.
Idon't do holidays as a rule, although I'm finally beginning to realizehow much fun doing nothing can be. Over the years I've had many messytrips to Ibiza and I usually needed a holiday after each visit. These days I only go to Ibiza'slegendary clubs if I'm employed as a DJ, I don't know many DJs who canstand to listen to someone else playing even if they tell youotherwise. You always think you could do a much better job unless yourlistening to one of the DJ gods like Carl Cox or Danny Tenaglia!
Ibizais still very much the party island and if you want to dance till youdrop, get zero sun and leave with a hangover you are still very wellcatered for. There is, however, a very different side to the island andover the past few years I have seen just how beautiful and tranquil itcan be. There's even a very well stocked health food store Natural 2 in Ibizatown now and I managed to get a slice of raw carrot cake at 'Passion'one of the islands best eateries and juice bars situated in Playa D'enBossa run by the lovely Lana. km5 on the San Jose rd is anothergorgeous place to eat where you can listen to a live DJ playingsoothing house while you dine al fresco under palm trees.
The villawe have rented is huge and needs to be as there is quite a mob. Mysister Siobhan, husband Craig, kids Molly and Zech, mum, friends Dawnand Sean and toddler Luka and various other friends will be piling inover the next ten days. The house sleeps fifteen comfortably and wewill be full to capacity. This is one of the most stylish villas I havestayed in. It is peppered with camp chandeliers and beautiful Buddha'sand set in beautiful grounds with a lovely pool. Below, little Luka tells us he is both Justin Bieber and Justin Bieber's little brother and the whole gang says hi.
On Saturday I played at Space for the Cafe Ole night and it was quiteamazing. Space is one of the largest clubs on the island and holds upto 6,000 people. The promoters pull out all the stops and the theme forthe night was "superheroes." Before I took to the decks we were treatedto a performance of Bonnie Tyler's high-energy hit "Total Eclipse Of The Heart" bysome fierce drag queen dressed as wonder woman! The stage was litteredwith gorgeous muscle men in Gaga-esque superheroes costumes that leftlittle to the imagination! Sadly I missed the arrival of the goddessAmanda Lepore, who was flown in to illuminate Cafe Ole's opening night,but there are huge posters of her all over the island. Ibiza is themost gay-friendly place on earth and the presence of Ms. Lepore sentthe island into a frenzy. This is one place you are free to be whateveryou choose to be! Below, a video of me putting on my face.
Sadly, all good things must come to an end, and I had to leave Ibizafor an overnight trip to Sardinia in Italy. Next week I'm off to TelAviv for gay pride and then back to Ibiza next Saturday before headingto Manchester. I could do with another month on the island but dutycalls!It's 6 a.m and the Ibiza airport is brimming, or should I say dripping with people who have come straight from the disco to catch their flights.The place was brimming, or should I say dripping,with people who have come straight from the disco to catch theirflights. There are now clubbing shops in the airport, including Pacha,Amnesia and The "f..k me I'm famous" brand which tells us that thetourist board has finally surrendered to the clubbing culture that putthe island on the map or has at least decided to cash in. There are nowhuge opening hour restrictions on clubs and bars which I'm told is anattempt to attract families rather than ravers. Mind you, I spottedlots of normal family types who had decked there kids out in tiny Pachat-shirts and as far as I know you have to be at least eighteen to getinto Pacha! I guess there's confusion all round.
While we checking for our flight to Milan (next stop) I heard my namebeing shouted out by some frazzled British yob but I didn't flinch. Istill employ that Quentin Crisp policy "walk fast and avoid eyecontact." It seems to work! The miserable toad who checked us in toldme I had to put my CD case into my shoulder bag which was annoyingbecause I had already scaled down by putting my much larger LouisVitton hat box into my suitcase. "Only one carry on bag," he snarled soI said I would put one into the other and walked away hoping I'd neversee him again. No such luck, grumpy balls was at the gate and again hestarted on about my carry on luggage. I should have insisted myMulberry shoulder bag was actually a handbag because all the womenseemed to have both handbags and carry cases. I must learn how to say"I'm a women for gods sake" in Spanish or something more coy like"that's no way to treat a pre-op transsexual!"
I reluctantly shoved the CD case into my bag and walked mumblingsomething hateful and I heard him say "is there a problem?" Again Iwalked fast and avoided eye contact while thinking "only your face!"Childish, I know, but I warned you about me and mornings.
The on-flight staff were adorable (there seems to be a theme here).Although one of the stewardesses kept bringing us sandwiches we hadn'tordered.
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