You might not be surprised to discover that Augusten Burroughs has problems with Christmas. The good news for us is that he can take his traumas and travails and turn them into stories that both shock and delight. In his latest book, You Better Not Cry: Stories for Christmas, he does just that leaving one with a distinctly Burroughsian feeling where dread and joy join hands in bittersweet harmony. I asked him a few questions about the holiday season we all love to hate.

David Hershkovits:  Do you think Christmas -- or family holidays in general -- are  more difficult for gays.
Augusten Burroughs: Life in general  -- not merely Christmas -- is more difficult for the gays. Gays have less calcium in their bones and slightly higher amounts of mercury, a soft metal. As a result their bones are softer which makes the weight of oppression that much more difficult to shoulder.

DH: What are you planning to do on Christmas this year?
AB: This Christmas, I plan to replicate -- in exact detail -- my birthday: I will sit on the bed all day and night fucking around with Linux and retouching pictures of ladies.

DH: Who would be your ideal family to spend Christmas with and why?
AB: The Addams Family. Because they would not ask me to cheer up and smile.

DH: If John Waters invited you to his Christmas Party what would you bring?
AB:Have you ever met John Waters? I have. I would make sure I brought mymanners. Then I would try and locate the most beautiful and highquality cheese I could find and bring this. It is a grave error tomistake John Waters for anything other than the southern gentleman thathe is. Besides, I bet he already has vintage IUDs to hang on his tree,anyway.  

DH: I understand your novel Sellevision is being made into a movie.  Any advice to the director? Any plans to write another novel. What would it be about?
AB: My advice to the director? You mean, Bryan Singer? Who directed The Usual Suspects, creator of HOUSE?Yeah, I have some advice for him: go get a ThinkPad X200 with a solidstate drive and install Linux Mint on it; I bet you'll love it. Theremight be another novel. Then again, there might be a runaway UPS truckwith my name on its grill.

Burroughs reads tonight at Barnes & Noble Union Square (33 E. 17th St.) at 7 p.m.