Here's the deal: I'm at a screening for Before the Devil Knows You'reDead -- which is directed by Sidney Lumet, so I'm all jazzed up for agritty urban New York crime flick -- and all of a sudden, the opening sceneis a nude Philip Seymour Hoffman boning Marisa Tomei on a bed. Thisscene goes on and on and I almost flee the theater screaming. I mean, Ilike Philip Seymour Hoffman. I think he's a terrific actor. I've seenhim at the neighborhood market and he seems quite pleasant, but I don'twant to have that image of his big, bare, flabby ass branded on mybrain, and now every time I see him that's what I'm going to see. Why dofilmmakers do that? I approve of nude scenes in movies. In fact, I thinkmost stars should be humiliated by removing their clothes in front ofthe camera at least once. But then there are other actors who need tokeep their clothes on. Even in the shower.

Here are my choices for top 10 worst nude film scenes:

Philip Seymour Hoffman, Before the Devil Knows You're Dead: If yourlife's desire is to see the crack of Capote's ass, then sure, this isthe movie for you.

Donald Sutherland, Space Cowboys: In Space Cowboys (aka "Grumpy OldAstronauts"), four old old-school test pilots (Tommy Lee Jones, JamesGarner, Donald Sutherland and Clint Eastwood) suit up to repair anout-of-orbit satellite threatening to crash-land to earth. The flyboysare lined up nude for a physical and everyone except Sutherland'scharacter cups his genitals when a lady doctor enters the room. Thatright there is the Wrong Stuff.

Kathy Bates, At Play in the Fields of the Lord: Oscar-winner KathyBates will forever be slammed for her nude hot-tub scene with JackNicholson in About Schmidt. But in At Play in the Fields of the Lord,set in Brazil's Amazon rain basin, Bates goes native by covering hernaked body with mud and running around the jungle, which, believe me,was far more alarming.

John Gielgud, Prospero's Books: This wildly experimental, artfulversion of Shakespeare's The Tempest is visually beautiful andchock-full of male and female nudity (and even child cherubs pissing),but in one scene, when superb British actor John Gielgud (well-known forhis turn as the wise and pithy butler in Arthur) rises up nude from apool, the sight of his wrinkled body is enough to make you want to cry.

Julie Andrews, S.O.B.: In this acerbic comedy by Blake Edwards, thehills are alive with the sight of Maria's nipples.

Burgess Meredith, Such Good Friends: Mostly known by film fans asRocky Balboa's irascible trainer, or as the Penguin in TV's campyoriginal Batman series, Burgess pops up nude in Otto Preminger's pricklyblack comedy Such Good Friends. In the film, Dyan Cannon fantasizesabout Burgess Meredith dancing naked in front of her with a bookdangling from a chain to strategically cover his privates. It's enoughto turn you off reading forever.

Terry Bradshaw, Failure to Launch: Famed football quarterback andcelebrated thespian (Cannonball Run, Smokey and the Bandit II) stars inthis drippy romantic comedy about a 35-year-old man (MatthewMcConaughey) still living with his parents (Terry Bradshaw and KathyBates). In one scene, McConaughey walks in on his dad (Bradshaw)buck-naked, feeding his fish and listening to hip-hop. This sight is sofrightening you'll find yourself frantically trying to regain sensememory of McConaughey's abs to help erase the horror.

Jessica Tandy, Camilla: Legendary actress Jessica Tandy (Broadway'soriginal Blanche DuBois in A Streetcar Named Desire) stars in this ickyconfection about an elderly woman who goes on a wacky road trip with ayounger woman (Bridget Fonda). The scene in which an 85-year-old Tandygoes skinny-dipping evokes the idea of Driving Miss Nude Daisy.

Jay North, Maya: TV's irascible scamp Dennis the Menace (Jay North)was forever making his neighbor miserable, but what would Mr. Wilsonthink of little Dennis showing his naked butt in Maya, a kiddie movie inwhich North plays Terry, a motherless lad who goes to India in search ofhis big-game-hunter dad (Clint Walker), who's gone missing. After aharrowing trip down the rapids, Terry towels off his nude body (whichmust be a screensaver for some child molester). I had a hard timetracking this down and felt like a real perv when a friend met me inMidtown to lend me a VHS copy. I half-expected Chris Hanson fromDateline's "To Catch a Predator" to jump out from behind a bush with acamera crew.

Patrick Dempsey, Some Girls: TV's Grey's Anatomy doctor heartthrobPatrick Dempsey made a lot of lame films early on in his career. In SomeGirls, he chases Jennifer Connelly around and even has a quickfull-frontal scene, which won't make you think "McDreamy," but rather"McTeeny." Some things are better left to the imagination.

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