All Hallows' Eve is fast-approaching, and aside from the line between our living world and the realm of the dead thinning with each passing second, there are a lot of other things to be focusing on.

Like, which celebrities are undoubtedly witches.

Which celebrities commune, and conjure, and cackle at the wind, and dance on graves.

I'm not just talking about an average Tuesday night for Sarah Jessica Parker, either.

Witches.

The time to point that bony finger is nigh.

Practice with me now. Wherever you are (hopefully in public), just shout "I saw Goody (Sienna) Miller dancing with the devil!!!!!!"

Feels good, right? Good!

Let's get our accusation hats on.


12. Zsa Zsa Gabor

The almost century-old Hungarian superstar (98-years-old) has lived through two world wars, 9 marriages, has been given her last rites like, 3 times, and is still fucking going. At this rate, she'll probably outlive us all. And I hope she does.


11. Sheryl Crow

She's enchanted us for two decades with her "open mic night at a bar with peanuts and salt all over the floor" schtick, but you know Ms. Crow has been on a Practical Magic journey for YEARS.

10. Kim Cattrall



This clip.


9. Elton John

Has definitely tried to blight Madonna's Kabbalah bread.


8. Tina Turner

Proud Mary made a deal with the devil to keep it at fucking 100 forever.

And so did her legs. Witch!


7. The Hanson Brothers.

Without question.


6. Whoopi Goldberg

She vanquished the evil of Elisabeth Hasselbeck and Jenny McCarthy off The View for all of us. Queen.


5. Jessica Chastain

Any day could be the day Jessie doesn't use her powers for good. When that day comes, we'll all have much to fear.


4. Blythe Danner

Gwyneth has known FOR YEARS, and it's so hard for her to not write about it on GOOP, and whenever she asks Blythe if she can, Danner responds by sing-saying, "Tick-tock, tick-tock." while wagging her index finger.

3. Sting

Tantric warlock. 


2. Ina Garten

She first toyed with the idea of witchcraft on one terrible afternoon, on the frozen beach during a Hamptons winter, while Jeffery was away....somewhere. She never knew where.

Since then, it's been an every day practice.


1. Diane Keaton.

Bye.