10 Thoughts On Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: "The Fall Of the House of Vanderpump:"

by Eli Yudin & Carey O'Donnell
Carey: 1. Joyce majorly pulls at the heart-strings in this episode. Fresh off her father's seemingly sudden passing, the ladies assemble outside the airport terminal before they head to PUERTO RICO; Joyce tearfully thanks her fake friends for coming along with she and her German, big peened, Academy awar- winning husband to "MY PUERTO RICO," as Joyce says. The other women at least appear to gaze on at Joyce with sympathetic eyes. "Let's not make this trip a pity-party for me; my father wouldn't have wanted that," she says, basically telling the women to not fuck this trip up with their regular bullllllshit. They're all like, "Uh, we weren't planning on it anyway, but thanks for your permission." Yo-Yo goes in for a big lemony, Dutch hug for Joyce; Lisa hovers in the back, trying so hard not to run into the airport already,  aching throughout her entire body from not giving a fuck. 

Eli: 2) Before this, we're treated to a montage of the ladies packing to go to Puerto Rico.  Their trip will undoubtedly be a fun one with no huge emotional showdowns.  I know this because of both past examples of group vacations, as well as knowledge of their personalities.  If I had to make any predictions, it would be that they all go, enjoy  the beauty of Puerto Rico, bond more closely (if that's even possible!) as friends, and sip cocktails out of the same glass with multiple straws. "You are my rock," they all repeat in unison, as the sun sets

Eli: 3) I've been to Puerto Rico before, and it really is a wonderful country, with beautiful buildings, beaches, great food, et cetera.  However, I remember absolutely everything being covered in sweat.  Go into a corner store, put your hand down on the counter: Boom. Sweat.

Carey: 4) On the topic of Lisa, Baroness Vanderpump of Villa Rosa's power has begun to crumble, and Puerto Rico sets everything into motion. Her subjects are rising up! They've tired of her poisonous whispers; her feigned compassion and venomous games. They've tired of her burning their crop fields and slaughtering their livestock! "Ay! Me thinks it's time!" Brandi shouts, standing on a wooden box in the ashen village square, her face covered in soot; her hair adorned with soil and small grass. She stands before a crowd of townspeople, Yolanda, Kyle, Kim, shivering together in a huge wool blanket. "Time for what, Missus?" Kim asks. "Me thinks it's time to rise! To topple Villa Rosa!" The crowd gasps and backs away. They stare at Brandi -- her eyes desperate and wide. The wind blows through the village square, coating the air with white ashes from the burning fields nearby. Finally, Yolanda steps forward, grabbing a large stick on the ground and runs it through the flames of some burning garbage. And faces the crowd. "I WANT HER BLOOD!" she yells, holding up the flaming stick. The crowd roars. Kim and Kyle lace each other's fingers and hiss into the sky together.

Eli: 5) Kim took Spanish, you guys!  She spends some of her confessionals parroting back strange, out-of-context phrases.  One is "These ladies, the men with the garlic, they make the water downstairs," which I assume means that the housewives are sexually attracted to vampire hunters.  She continues to mumble in Spanish.  "Bring me ice, señor..."  "Show me to your largest train." "I'm confused by the amount of leaves on this tree." "Do you mind if I attempt to ride your cat?"  I'd love to see Kim's Rosetta Stone commercial.  "Rosetta Stone helped me convince the population of Puerto Rico that I was on a complex combination of hallucinogens!"

Carey: 6) A tropical storm of shitty things Lisa has done to the crew is converging in the Caribbean. Brandi has had a revelation that Lisa knew well before she met Brandi that her skank-queen SUR employee Scheana (also star of the boorish Vanderpump Rules) was humping Brandi's ex-husband before he was clanking hipbones with Leann Rimes, and that MAYBE...just MAYBE she conspired with Scheana and the show to hurt Brandi and get more publicity for the show, for SUR, thus allowing Lisa her own spinoff. Uh, DUH, Brandi. We can at least be thankful she came to this conclusion, even if it took her two damn years. Brandi also tells Kyle that Lisa wanted Wino Glanville to bring a stack of tabloids with Mauricio's cheating rumors as cover stories to Palm Springs to mess with Kyle. UGH.

Eli: 7) I know in the scale of the show, it's pretty much old news, but Mauricio's reactions to the accusations of him cheating really don't convince me much otherwise.  It almost seems like it may have been true, but they agreed to sweep it under the rug.

Eli: 8) To be honest, Lisa probably did encourage the hurtful magazines thing, and I'm surprised it took this long for them all to figure it out.  Looking back, it seems like Lisa believes that she's smarter than any of the other women on the show, and as such, is basically just playing with them.  She most likely has a chess set stashed away in her house somewhere where all of the pieces are carved to look like little Brandis and Kims.  Ken starts barking at the women, and makes less and less sense as time goes on.  "Ask Brandi then!" he yells.  "We did just ask Brandi..." they respond.  "'Av' Brandi tell the whole 'fing!"  To his credit, he's pretty determined.  It turns out Ken is just Lisa's biggest dog.

Carey: 9) Can we talk about how much of a PSYCHO Ken is? I already knew he was Lisa's sugar-crusted lackey, but he goes all out in this episode. Any time one of the ladies, notably Yolanda, tries to call the British Charlatan out for her mean ass ways, Ken pounces on them. "HOW DARE YOU SPEAK TO MY WIFE LIKE THIS," he says.  Lisa can't even handle being called out -- she runs away every time, crying to Ken that the other women are "so mean." UGHHHHH. At one point, in a major display of  Magenta-Stockholm Syndrome, Ken says in a testimonial, "Lisa is the best friend any one of these women could have...she is...the perfect woman," with this blank, hollow stare. Oh, hell. Yolanda and Kim lay him out, though, thankfully. Yolanda is like, "Can you not yell at me?" and "Why is someone's husband yelling at a woman?" At dinner, Kim, who already has beef with this duo, tells Ken after he dismisses her, "YOU SHUT YOUR GOD DAMN MOUTH; YOU ARE A STUBBORN OLD MAN." YESSSS, KIM, YESSSSSSSSSSS. I BOW DOWN TO YOU, KIM.

Carey: 10) I can't wait till we find out Ken and Lisa aren't even from England, and are actually from outside Orlando, Florida.

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