10 Observations On This Week's Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: Swollen Tongues + Will Smith's Ex

by Carey O'Donnell and Eli Yudin
1. Carey: There is something super not right about Yolanda's relationship with Mohamed Hadid. I get that they do the whole "we're divorced, but we're friends! See????" thing, which I guess is good for the kids, but there is somewhere in their divorce settlement that Yolanda gets to use Mohamed's behemoth abode for her own personal use? Not only did Yo-Yo lead the interior decoration/remodeling of her ex-hubby's castle (remember when she told the Latino construction workers to go HOME AND LEARN ENGLISH??) she's now using it for her prized flamingo, Gigi's, "Arabic themed" graduation party. And this is all going doing just DAYS after she and David hosted David's daughter from a former marriage's WEDDING at Muhammad's pad. So, Yolanda hosted her stepdaughter's wedding at her ex-husband's house. David and Mohamed were/are apparently besties? I'm trying to process this. This all goes into my theory that Mohamed and David traded Yolanda. One night, David and Mohamed were sitting around smoking cigars and David was like, "Yo, Yolanda's really cool," and Muhammad was like, "Wanna marry her?" and David was like, "...Sure." and then the two fist bumped and made out a little.

2. Eli: Yolanda is apparently on a diet for some reason, and I'm really not sure what she is allowed to eat. She can't eat bread -- but she smells it -- and apparently even turns down fruit. I don't know what diet doesn't allow you to eat fruit -- I always thought that was one of the "good ones." I'm just gonna guess that Yolanda's diet mostly subsists of her sitting in a shallow pool of water and sucking on a pebble for sustenance.

3. Carey: Carlton and her porn-y husband David are about to throw a big fancy 40th anniversary bash for David's family's financial company, StockCross. Carlton repeats over and over again how the Gebbia's have made soooooooo much money and how thankful they are to their clients for throwing wads of cash at them and making them rich. All of David's brothers look exactly like him -- the only thing that separates David from his bros is his giant crucifix necklace and that he is married to a witch. I liked when Carlton gives us a liiiiiiittle backstory after we see her greeting her very Goodfellas looking father and mother-in-law, about how she started working for the company before she was a leathery praying mantis, and ended up "marrying the boss's son" (she says that was a sly grin). Good for you, bb. Good for you. The best part of the episode is when Kyle learns she was "uninvited" to the StockCross soiree after Carlton sent her an email that said, "You're uninvited, but Mauricio can still come." You gotta hand it to Carlton. She has no shame, and I think more people should implement that tactic. You just know Mauricio went to bed that night, secretly relieved that he was still invited.

4. Eli: When Carlton walks around her husband's work and vaguely points at stuff, it reminded me of the general energy I always get from the housewives whenever they're "working on something" -- it's like when you give a baby in a car a fake steering wheel so it can feel like it's driving. It's like "Event Planning by Fisher Price." Mostly just wild gesturing and occasionally mumbling to themselves "chars..."

5. Carey: Speaking of the StockCross party, what was up with Kim? Why was she even there? I love her transparent digs at Kyle. She clearly knows the bad blood between Cartlon and her sis, but damn well if she's not going to show up to that event and hug and kiss Goody Gebbia and talk about how they saw some squirrels that one time. Lisa and Ken spot Kim as she sort of stumbles onto the "red carpet" for the party as the Brits are leaving. Where in the hell had she been before this event?! She looks disoriented and bewildered (more so than usual) and I kiiiiiiinda got the sense that she was um, let's just say....not all there. She seemed wasted, to be blunt. She had that old Kim slur going hard, and she was all huggy with Carlton and Brandi. Maybe I'm just being unfair, but it felt like our Lady of the Sad Canyons was hovering in the stratosphere again. I reaaaaaally, really hope that's not the case!

6. Eli: I can't get over someone whose chyron presents them as "Current Queen Of The Universe" like Joyce's friend. I assume that's because she's Miss Universe, but still, that's not the title with which an adult presents themselves. You might as well introduce yourself as "Hi, I'm Jerry, I'm King of the Faeries."

7. Eli: Also: Will Smith's ex-wife was at the party. I didn't know that he had an ex-wife but she was apparently at the party, and it was a BIG deal. People were in a maelstrom, just flitting about. "Will Smith's ex is here." "Did you see Will Smith's ex?" "That woman used to be married to Will Smith." "This party has such a chill, Will Smith ex vibe. Probably because Will Smith's ex is here."

8. Carey: Meanwhile, Brandi had an allergic reaction to something she ate. Ahem. The entire episode her tongue and throat were swollen and she could barely speak. She hikes around Griffith Park with Kyle with a hand brace and a swollen mouth/tongue and it was kind of amazing. I don't know, Brandi is kind of growing on me. I think I would love to get dinner with her and drink wine and let her hijack every conversation and make it be about herself while I eventually give up trying to talk and just eat all the bread and nod and get quietly drunk. I hiked Griffith Park once, and even if it was broad daylight, I kept worrying that I was going to get murdered and buried in some ditch. Even scarier, would be to run into Brandi while hiking Griffith Park; she'd be in an arm brace, or using crutches, with a swollen tongue and a swollen throat, frantically trying to tell me about how she hears her missing ghost dog crying in the wind at night.

9. Carey: On the topic of ghosts, Stassi from Vanderpump Rules is now my fav ghost on TV. She just haunts the screen, making these little cameos on Housewives. I want her to show up on every show on every channel on every TV in the world. I want to see her on C-SPAN. During a speech, the camera will pan to the corner of the room where Stassi is sitting next to the Rep from Ohio, pulling her hair out of a messy side bun she wore during her shift at SUR, and turning to the politician next to her and mouthing, "What the fuck are they talking about?"

10. Eli: I don't really understand who Stassi is.

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